From: Jett Dickle-Gruberhoffer, senior vice president, scripted programming, Universal Media Studios
To: Turk Manlington, executive producer
Re: Van Nuys’ Naughtiest Pizza Deliveries 15, writer’s draft
This writer’s draft of VNNPD 15 is a great start. Really exciting, compelling—not to mention much naughtier than installment 14. We’ve just got a few notes to help tighten up the story and deliver the kind of action viewers have come to expect. Let’s dive right in:
Pg. 1: When the pizza boy arrives, Mandy Milf exclaims, “It’s about time you got here with that extra-large sausage!” But how does the pizza boy know to go to this particular house? Sure, it’s filled with hot, horny ladies, but what’s our on-ramp? Think about adding a scene before this where Mandy orders the pizza.
Also, legal advises us that there are three AMANDA MILFs with current mailing addresses in Van Nuys, California. Last names that did clear: MALFO, MILAN, FILLMORE. Please choose one and revise accordingly.
Pg. 12: Mandy’s line: “Give it to me now.” UNCLEAR. Give her what? Some clarity here would be great.
Pg. 23: Mandy’s friend Windi calls the others to invite them to join the orgy. A GREAT spot to highlight our product integration deal with Sprint. Perhaps Windi can call the other “horny, insatiable” flight attendants with her brand-new Katana Eclipse X. Maybe she can even send her directions via Sprint’s “fastest 3G network in America.” Also, Sprint is really pushing us to feature the Eclipse’s “no-shake” camera feature. We realize she has her hands full, but is there any way Windi can take a breather to snap some keepsakes?
Pg. 24: Syndy’s line “I’ve been so bad, you need to punish me” seems unmotivated. We’ve just met this character. What did she do that was so bad? Is this a good spot for a flashback?
Pg. 25: We’re not crazy about all the slapping.
Pg. 27: Please OMIT all references to God. Possible alternatives: “Yes!” or “Continue!”
Pg. 27: We’ve lost track of the pizza. Is it still by the bubble bath? Please help us here.
Pg. 28: When Mandy’s husband comes home to find his wife and her gal pals “wet and wanting,” he’s identified as a “well-hung he-man in an expensive suit.” Testing shows that audiences relate better to the “everyman.” Consider making this character a bit more blue-collar. A construction worker? A policeman? Also, for the same reason, he should be “moderately hung.”
Pg. 29: Standards and Practices is concerned about the specificity of this particular prosthetic phallus. Sure, it should be “big,” but does it have to be “black”? Alternative: Hispanics are very popular. We’re not sure they make Hispanic dildos, but if so it’s a great chance for more product integration. Let’s revisit this idea after more study.
Pg. 30: The backyard/pool/hot-tub set piece will push us over budget for this production. Can we tell the same story with a garden hose, a Slip ’N Slide, and a jar of petroleum jelly? (Note: Petroleum jelly is another great chance for integration!)
Pg. 31–34: What happened to Mandy’s husband? She says, “He’s satisfied,” but where did he go? Please explain. We have a lot invested in this character.
Pg. 36: We believe that Windi is dirty enough, but we’re not buying that she’s hot. Be advised, selling this part of the story will depend on the casting.
Pg. 38: Consider making the climax a pie in the face instead. Comedy sells!
Overall note: We’re still missing something for our older female demo. One thought: What about a B story featuring Mandy’s teenage kids? Mandy is a stay-at-home mom—why not see that? I think it would really land with viewers. Of course, Mandy is in the middle of an orgy, but that could be good conflict. What if little Janie flunks her driver’s test and needs consoling? Or little Bobby comes home smelling of cigarettes? Let us see how Mandy’s duties as a parent conflict with her need for extra-large sausage.
Again, great script. Can’t wait to see the revisions!