Is your hair damaged? Is it fine and frazzled? Does it shine like it is supposed to? Does it shine like it is not supposed to? Is your hair quiet and demure or boisterous and unruly? Is it soft like silk or soft like the “g” in “tough”? Is your hair of appropriate length and color for a person of your intelligence, or do you have dumb hair? Does your hair hold any degrees or certificates or is it self-taught? Is it afraid to cry?

If you answered yes or no, then you need shampoo. Shampoo is a complicated substance of infinite constitution and utility. Shampoo is supposed to make you believe that you are a part of something larger than yourself. Shampoo is a smart person that can untangle your hair’s illlogic. Shampoo is the most coldly rational of all the toiletries.

There is shampoo to make your hair smell like apricots, and shampoo designed to make babies cry. You need to use a lot of some shampoo, and others require you to use less. Some shampoos require that you purchase them to keep your other shampoos company, while others are merely for putting in the eyes of polite rabbits. Most shampoo is acquired by theft, and establishments which encourage this practice can be found in any American city.

Anything can be used to make shampoo. For example, papaya, cucumber essence, purple rain and murder would combine to make a shampoo that sells for $4.00 and comes in a purple bottle. If gold were made into shampoo it would cost $4.00 and come in a blue bottle. Some shampoo is so good that children are not allowed to buy it and people of faith regret its influence in their lives. In Great Britain, Shampoo has three "O"s and a “U.” No one there has ever heard of it.

All types of people use shampoo. Very poor people use shampoo made of old mules and ash, and very rich people use shampoo made of poor people. Women use shampoo that smells like piña coladas. Men get important vitamins by eating that shampoo. Imaginary people use shampoo made of pure light. Dead people use shampoo that comes in a green bottle. You can only get it through the mail.

No one knows what shampoo does. No one knows where shampoo works, or how much it makes. Some people think that it makes money simply by existing in all times and places, while others think shampoo is living off an inheritance. No one knows what shampoo is or how to pronounce its name. No one has ever used shampoo or thought that it should exist. A woman once washed her hair with beer. It drove her insane.