A cocktail party at the British Consulate, the Raja in attendance. Barely were the oysters passed when sixteen members of the militant Warriors of the Black Orchid took the compound. The Raja, the Consul, and three Punjabi businessmen were held hostage, and eventually assassinated. You and I escaped through the kitchen, our bodies intact, our souls in ruin.
2. Prairie Dog Town
I was a greedy real estate developer; you, a hairy-legged environmentalist. You stood in the field as I pushed the plunger and ignited one quarter ton of TNT. You lost a thumb, and you earned my respect, but I did not scale back the project. I dreamt of you whenever I smelled dirt.
3. Death Row
I (Joaquin Phoenix) was a cocky drifter with no respect for authority, sentenced to die for the brutal slaying of a family of four in Oklahoma. You (Salma Hayek) were a brash public defender with a penchant for animal-print miniskirts. You fought for an appeal, and proved (in a dramatic scene in which Hayek works Phoenix into a rage, but he is incapable of striking her) that the injuries I received as a sniper in Korea would have made it impossible for me to wield the pinking shears in a manner consistent with the autopsy report. The crusty judge (Ted Danson) overturned the conviction. I never thanked you. You did not expect me to.
4. The Drop-Off Point
Near the Galleria Borghese. I left 65 million lire in an alligator hatbox next to a fountain. You, on a bench only metres away, looked at me and through me at once. The painting was returned unharmed.
5. The Old Power Plant
I was the kindly old caretaker who had discovered a vein of silver in one of the cooling tunnels of the abandoned plant. Through cowardice or dumb luck, or perhaps merely hunger, you and your friend Shaggy discovered that I was also the ghost which had been frightening the local populace. I would have gotten away with it, were it not for you meddlesome kids.
6. The Polo Stables
Your spirited pony had a pull in his gaskin; you, spirited yourself, had no patience for such matters. I, the deaf-mute stableboy, nursed Golgotha back to health and tamed his fiery spirit. You gave this noble beast to your nieces in Hungary, who beat him with sticks. I could tell no one of my pain.