Welcome to the Bridal Expo! You paid real dollars to be here, and you’re going to regret it.

Everyone will call you “Bride,” because you have no other name now. If you didn’t dress in all white for this non-event, you’re an idiot. And if you didn’t make all your bridesmaids attend alongside you wearing matching T-shirts and/or sashes that say BRIDE TRIBE you might as well show yourself out right now.

Consultants beckoning you from their booths will assume that your end goal is to be escorted down the aisle looking like an emaciated child with skin of old leather. Don’t fight it, because they can smell your uncertainty, but also do not give that tanning booth lady your email address.

Everything you want for your wedding is wrong, mostly because you don’t want a champagne fountain or a cigar bar manned by a Capuchin monkey wearing a custom tuxedo. But don’t worry, pro wedding planner Debbie will gladly help you out! For the small fee of $7,000 she will criticize all your choices during three 12-minute Skype calls, and may or may not show up to co-ordinate your wedding on the day itself, depending on her LuLaRoe flash sale schedule.

This beautiful venue overlooking the New York skyline is available on your wedding date and would be just enchanting, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, that sales rep just looked at your ring finger and isn’t impressed by what he sees. God, how did you even get in here? Did no one mention that wedding planning isn’t for poors? He actually has another venue that might work for you, a “unique” underground space that’s only accessible via a manhole and comes with the charming background noise of the Houston Street construction that started back in 1995. Hey, it’s in Manhattan.

If you’re not paying attention, you’ll wander up to one of the “meal plan” booths where someone will gush about their delivery service of algae water, soup made of human stem cells and an indeterminate vegetable, and off-label laxatives made somewhere in Indonesia. Fresh to your door every day and so worth it. Here, read all these testimonials from SlimBrides™ who looked SlimTastic™ at their weddings because they pooped so much on this diet that they no longer have body fat, internal organs, or buttholes.

When you’ve had enough of this place and are trying to get out, you’ll make the mistake of taking a goodie bag. Inside you will find a temporary tattoo that says MRS. HUBBY, a raffle ticket with no explanation attached, and a flyer listing chic things you can put on your wedding registry now like couple’s sensual waxing classes or a personal colonic machine.

Upon your escape, a 6’7" bouncer will ask you to quickly “exit the area” so he can allow another of the 3,617 brides waiting in line to enter this most satisfying and worthwhile event. You will try to warn these hopeful ladies with your eyes. You will fail.