“Once again, this White House proves it cannot be trusted to protect America’s vital national security interests. In response, Congress will immediately convene a 759-person investigative committee that will begin calling witnesses in 45 minutes, including Secretary of State Sanders, Huma Abedin, Alicia Machado, whoever wrote ‘Fight Song,’ and John Podesta’s dog, Whiskers. Simultaneously, I will be introducing a bill that dissolves Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, food stamps, and the public library system to fund a cannon to shoot President Clinton into Neptune.”
“President Clinton’s shrill, irrational, hysterical, emotional behavior with the Russians should remind every American that we lack the strong, decisive, broad-shouldered leadership of Donald Trump at this perilous historical moment. I’ve had my differences with Vice-President Kaine, but it’s clear he has a certain quality — two, possibly three qualities even — that President Clinton lacks, and I encourage her to step down immediately and take up knitting and homeschooling for the sake of our nation.”
“While President Clinton’s leak to the Russian ambassador and foreign minister may be causing voters in the West Virginia/Fox News/Hard Hat bubble to lose their minds, supporters of the president — from Westchester County, to Bethesda, to the San Francisco Bay Area — couldn’t care less.
“‘I voted for President Clinton because of her decades of foreign policy experience,” said attorney Marilyn Combs as she picked at her Warm Grain and Noodle Bowl at a Chop’t in Silver Spring, Maryland. ‘If she says it was important for the Russians to know the identities of all of our agents embedded with ISIS, their phone numbers, and street addresses of their relatives back home, then I trust her 100%.’
“With the president’s diehards lined up behind her, don’t be surprised if this story turns out to be a big, fat, nothingburger — with kale salad substituted for the fries.”
“… and in conclusion, Hillary Clinton is a lying TRAITOR who should be LOCKED UP for LYING and TREASON. Joining me now to discuss Hillary’s latest CRIME, military analyst Col. Oliver North, intelligence expert Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby, and foreign affairs correspondent Julian Assange…”
“Disclosing sensitive intelligence to Russia, an enemy more dangerous than Iran, the Nazis, and the shape-shifters from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine combined, is undeniably grounds for impeachment, trial, conviction, and life on a chain gang, which the federal prison system will be bringing back specifically for President Clinton. In the meantime, I urge the administration to escalate the situation to war, preferably nuclear.”
“To my fellow Democrats, I say: Defending President Clinton’s extraordinary breach of protocol might be good politics. But now is not a time for politics. It’s a time for bi-partisanship, compromise, and, most importantly, giving in. I join my colleagues across the aisle in supporting an independent commission to thoroughly investigate this matter. Politics stops at the water’s edge, and I have complete faith and trust in the assurances provided me by Minority Leader McConnell that my Republican colleagues would do the same if they were in my shoes.
“I mean, why would they lie?”
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