“Fox News host Sean Hannity has described Adam Toledo, the child shot dead by a Chicago police officer, as a “13-year-old man,” drawing comparisons to one of his own television guests’ previous characterization of Kenosha shooting suspect Kyle Rittenhouse as a “little boy.” — Newsweek 4/16/21

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The liberal media is up in arms because I referred to a 13-year-old who was killed by police as a “man.” So let me once again remind viewers what I’ve been saying for decades: white men are boys, boys of color are men, and underage girls are consenting adults.

Some people are saying it’s hypocritical to refer to a 13-year-old person of color as a “man” when I previously referred to a 17-year-old white person who murdered two people as a “boy.” But you have to remember that the passage of time is different for people of color than it is for white people because of the theory of relativity — the scientific principle that the universe revolves around white males and therefore any logical argument applied to white men in comparison to women or people of color is all relative and therefore malleable to suit the interests of white men.

It’s the same reason why a 17-year-old white male is a boy who can’t be held responsible for his own actions, but a 17-year-old female who was coerced into a sexual relationship with a congressman is a consenting adult. Women age differently than men. It’s the reason Matthew McConaughey’s character in Interstellar came back from outer space younger than his daughter, and the same reason why recently divorced middle-aged white men always date women their daughter’s age. A 17-year-old girl is the same relative age as a 25-year-old white man, a 25-year-old woman is the same age as a 40-year-old white man, and a 40-year-old woman is a grandmother and is therefore not even really a woman at all anymore.

But the theory of relativity doesn’t just apply to a person’s age. Anything involving the passage of time is subject to this theory.

For example, keeping a Supreme Court seat vacant for eight months before a presidential election is a relatively short amount of time, while ramming through a Supreme Court nomination eight days before a presidential election is a relatively long amount of time. Time is a flat circle, and the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards whatever the whims of white men are at any given point in time.

Actually, one need not even restrict the theory of relativity to matters of time. Any mathematical concept can be thought of in terms of the theory of relativity. It’s the reason why a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of developing blood clots is proof that all vaccines are dangerous, but a 1 in 200 chance of dying of Covid is a terrible reason to prevent people from gathering maskless at their local dive bar.

It’s also why finding two credible cases of voter fraud is a justifiable reason to restrict ballot access to 100,000,000 people of color.

Or why 90% of Americans supporting universal background checks is proof of a bitter partisan divide on the issue of gun reform.

Or why 3% of scientists might be right about climate change, so the jury is really still out on whether it’s a problem or not.

So don’t try to argue with me about whether my usage of age, or numbers, or statistics is being done in bad faith. Because, as I’ve said before, it’s all relative.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for my next segment, where I argue that one transgender high schooler joining her school’s soccer team is a good reason to expose thousands of transgender teenagers to humiliating genital inspections and unnecessary blood tests.