"On Friday, Punchbowl News obtained a document detailing the ‘America First Caucus,’ which would be led by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Rep. Paul Gosar. The language in the document involved recruiting people with “Anglo-Saxon political traditions” and a return to an architectural style that ‘befits the progeny of European architecture.’" — The Independent, 4/18/21

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Welcome to the America First Policy Institute, a non-profit group that has already grifted $20m from people who believe that cancel culture is the greatest threat to humanity. But all that sweet cash doesn’t explain our mission, which is to preserve our nation’s “uniquely Anglo-Saxon political traditions.

Some of you seem confused. “Hang on,” you’re probably thinking, “Didn’t William the Conquerer defeat the last Anglo-Saxon King of England in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings?”

Yes, he did. But when we say “Anglo-Saxon culture,” we’re not referring to heptarchy. In fact, we actually don’t know what Anglo-Saxon culture is. None of us have ever heard of “Cædmon’s Hymn” or “Bede’s Death Song,” and we’re pretty sure that Beowulf is an endangered species that Don Jr. enjoys killing for recreation.

You see, when we refer to “Anglo-Saxon political culture,” we actually mean something more… European. Yeah, that’s it. European.

You still appear to be befuddled. “What aspect of European culture are you trying to emulate?” you’re likely wondering.

Do we mean a Democratic system of government where every citizen has a right to vote? No. How about a network of social safety nets that guard against poverty and income inequality as they have in European countries like Norway and Sweden? Also no. Perhaps we’d like generous pro-family parental leave policies as they have in Denmark, Belgium, and Finland? Absolutely not. Maybe it’s a universal healthcare system like they have in Germany? Nein.

In fact, the “Anglo-Saxon culture” getting us all aroused isn’t medieval or modern, but something in between that existed in Europe, in a certain European place and time, about 80-years ago.

What does this mean in terms of policy? Something something about architecture, plus our north star belief that black and brown people should not be allowed into our country. Please take a look at our website, where we couch that rabid anti-immigrant sentiment into a repugnant word salad. I’m paraphrasing here, but it’s basically this:

History has shown that societal trust and political unity are threatened when non-white people non-Anglo-Saxon culture people are allowed to enter our country and use the welfare state, which was specifically designed to prop up and bail out our white slackers, trust fund babies, and Matt Gaetz, who is also a member of our soon-to-be-launched caucus. Other members include Washington’s finest luminaries, such as January 6th organizer Paul Gosar and that lady who believes in nefarious Jewish space lasers.

Well, life comes at you fast, and thanks to some mild blowback from our RINO party, we’ve had to cancel our KKKaucus, which just goes to show that cancel culture is the greatest threat to humanity.

As part of our commitment to preserving our Anglo-Saxonninity, we’ve predictably established a Center for 1776 that celebrates America’s slave-owning Founding Fathers. Sadly, today academic elites and demagogues insist that “all men are created equal” should also apply to women and marginalized populations, directly contradicting the three-fifth vision of our forefathers.

Liberty, national greatness, American primacy  —  these are words we use to delude ourselves into believing that American culture is something that can be severed from the people who actually shape so much of American culture.

Despite the failure to launch a congressional caucus, our institute is still alive and well and bringing in the big bucks. And on that disturbing note, we’ll leave you with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi when he was asked what he thought of Western civilization.

“I think it would be a good idea,” he replied.