Dear Faculty in Hell,
In addition to synchronous, asynchronous, blended, and hybrid online courses, faculty are encouraged to adapt the following face-to-face modalities to promote student retention, community cohesion, and the joyful spirit of learning in Hell.
Department of Details
Horseback Riding (HOR)
All faculty will be assigned to a horse share pool at the start of the semester. Faculty will ride at a canter, weaving past rows of students sitting 6 feet apart on the football field. Using a megaphone (not provided), faculty will lecture by repeating each sentence after every 4 rows of students. Faculty who do not know how to ride a horse may download free tutorials from YouTube.
Gift Baskets (GIBETS)
Faculty will prepare a gift basket for each student every week. Suggestions for gift basket items include fresh fruit, gluten-free crackers, vegan jerky, and woodwinds. Inside each gift basket, the week’s lectures, assignments, and quizzes will be handwritten on parchment paper. Although faculty will not be compensated for purchasing gift baskets, Home Depot and Cracker Barrel are offering discounts with valid faculty ID.
Faculty will shout important information at students from the shallow end of an open-air swimming pool. Students will be encouraged to tread water during the entire lesson, in which case the course satisfies their physical education requirement. For students who opt not to tread water, a personal floatation device in the form of a wheel (the school’s mascot) will be provided. Faculty who do not know how to swim may download free tutorials from YouTube.
While performing magic tricks such as pulling rabbits out of hats and sawing adjuncts in half, tenure-track faculty will invite audience participation in the form of pop quizzes. Students giving wrong answers are invited to disappear in a cloud of smoke.
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Faculty may suggest that students purchase tangible products, similar to cereal boxes or toilet paper, with printed content inscribed on one or both sides of compressed wood pulp. Students may “borrow” these items and “return” them, using a service called “the library.” Faculty who do not know what the library is are encouraged to use Facebook instead.