“Cuomo holds his lead one week before primary day, as voters express unease with city’s direction.” — The Manhattan Institute
In case you haven’t heard: I’m running for mayor. I have a vision for our city that focuses on improving the lives of working people. However, recently, it has come to my attention that something is missing from my candidacy. What can I do to demonstrate that I’m serious about holding a higher office?
I need to start sexually harassing women.
Please forgive me for taking so long to figure this out. As has been pointed out by one vocal contingent of people (many of whom likely do not even live in the city but actually reside in suburbs in a different state across the river—a state where, incidentally, my proposed income tax raises are already law), I don’t have as much experience as my opponents. Still, I’ve seen the error of my ways. You have my word: I will prove to you I am the right man to lead our city into the future, not by surging in the polls because my promises resonate with a growing constituency frustrated by the status quo, but by degrading, groping, and kissing the mouth of a woman who works for me—you know, like Italians do.
Sure, it’s all well and good to say that I’ll raise taxes on millionaires to pay for policy ideas like free buses and expanded universal childcare. Blah, blah, blah, so what? This is the big leagues. How is anyone supposed to respect me if I don’t ask a female aide—one of the really young ones, like, younger than my daughters—gross, invasive questions about her sex life? And then make it super clear to her that even though she is very young, she’s not too young for me, as far as I’m concerned?
Why haven’t I done this already? I could say that it’s because I’ve been busy cross-endorsing other candidates who have failed to sexually harass their female underlings. But this isn’t the time or place for excuses. This is the time to stand up and say: I want to be your mayor, and I will spend every waking moment between now and the election aggressively groping any female aide I can get alone. I promise you: I will corner her in my residence, close the door behind us, and my hand will be up her blouse faster than you can say “freeze the rent.”
This is America in 2025. It’s time to put away childish things. We need to let go of the youthful idealism that tells us fairy tales like “we live in a democracy” and “women are people.” We have to live in the real world, where the only qualification that counts, from City Hall to the White House, is: Are you an unrepentant serial sex offender?
When you elect a mayor with a long, harrowing history of sexually harassing women, you send a powerful message to people all over this city: You, too, can treat women like shit—wreck their mental and emotional health, derail their professional lives, traumatize and discard them—and go right back to your life as if nothing ever happened. Because, honestly, who cares? We did care at one point, but we don’t anymore. With your vote, you can remind everyone in your life that what men want is always more important than what women want, or what women don’t want, like when a woman does not want to be molested by her boss.
And I won’t stop there. It’s not enough to subject woman after woman after woman to all this non-consensual sexual contact, relentless leering, and degrading gendered nicknames. I will also retaliate against any woman who rejects my advances or speaks out about her experiences with me. You deserve a mayor who follows through.
I want to make our city more humane, affordable, and accessible. But none of that matters unless I’m doing the real work of sexually harassing as many women as I can get my hands on—literally—between now and Election Day. How many women, you ask? Great question. How does thirteen sound?
Elect me, and I promise that my sexual misconduct won’t stop the day I take office. Quite the opposite. Empowered by your mandate, I’ll just be getting started.