Gone are the days of storming the gates. In this new era of resistance, we A/B test the gates, analyze the bounce rate of our demands, and push our uprising to GitHub for feedback.
Yes, the revolution is here.
No, it is not televised.
It’s currently available as a limited-access newsletter
and a lightly branded Discord server.
We don’t burn flags—we adjust brand guidelines.
We don’t chant—we run sentiment analysis.
We don’t topple systems—we disrupt them gently, with curated UX flows and tasteful earth tones.
Core Pillars of the Optimized Revolution:
1. Personalization
Each citizen receives a tailored resistance journey based on their cookies, voting record, and Spotify Wrapped.
2. Seamless Integration
Our protests sync with Google Calendar. Choose “in-person,” “virtual,” or “spiritually aligned.”
3. Performance Metrics
Anger is tracked via Fitbit. Tear gas exposure now counts toward your Apple Health goals.
4. Influencer Collaboration
Our manifesto is available as an infographic and has already been reposted by @conscious.capitalist.
5. Conflict-Free Engagement
No shouting. Just push notifications: “You may be complicit. Tap to learn more.”
We tried to livestream the march, but TikTok took it down for “being too disruptive to the algorithm.” So now we’re running it as a podcast. Season 1 drops next Tuesday. Be sure to subscribe and dissent.
The old revolutions needed torches.
Ours needs 5G and a Canva Pro subscription.
Call to Action:
Swipe up.
Link in bio.
Join the movement.
Beta testers welcome.
See you on the other side, comrades!