With apologies to Gil Scott-Heron.
You will not be able to plug-in, turn-on, and cop-out, because you can only watch on your phone and will probably be squinting a lot. But you can turn your phone sideways and the video will still play.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip out for beer during commercials because, for just $8.99 a month, you can enjoy all your favorite shows you’ve never heard of with zero commercial interruption.
The revolution will not be televised; it will be broken down into ten-minute increments and streamed on Quibi.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox in four parts without commercial interruptions. The revolution will be brought to you by T-Mobile, Walmart, and Quibi ads for other Quibi content, which is sponsored by Quibi ads for Quibi feature films.
The revolution will be brought to you in twelve parts over the span of fifteen weeks.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Nixon blowing a bugle, but it will show you innovative content of Chrissy Teigen bashing everyone who has ever unfollowed her on Twitter over the head with burnt orange Le Creuset Dutch Ovens, Chrissy Teigen making Ben Affleck cry, and Chrissy Teigen filling a swimming pool with homemade vegan chili.
The revolution will not be brought to you by the Schaefer Award Theater, but it will be brought to you by a 30-second commercial that plays before every YouTube video where Dan Levy explains what a Quibi is to Eugene Levy while Catherine O’Hara screams in the other room.
It will not star Natalie Wood and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia, but it will star Reese Witherspoon in literally everything because we spent half our talent budget to get her.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds thinner, but it will make you thankful that you aren’t on season two of Chrissy’s Court because we pulled some strings and now she can legally send people to prison for life.
The revolution will not be televised. It will be delivered in the form of 675 trailblazing and trendsetting original Quibi shows rolled out in the span of 27 minutes, at a rate of 76,458 Quibis per hour, 11,528 hours per year.
NBC will not be able to predict the winner at 8:32 pm because everyone at NBC will be too busy watching Tituss Burgess throw uncooked tortellini at Jane Lynch while Charli D’Amelio does the Macarena.
Green Acres, Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville Junction will no longer be so damn relevant. But you know what will be so damn relevant? The avant-garde Quibi reboots of Green Acres, Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville Junction where Scarlett Johansson plays every part.
Women will not care if Dick finally got down with Jane on Search for Tomorrow, but they will care about an earth-shattering show where Rachel Brosnahan tries on different felt hats while loudly ordering pastrami from famous delicatessens. With special guest star Chrissy Teigen.
There will be no highlights on the 11 o’clock news and no pictures of hairy-armed women liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose. But there will be 154 Quibis of Reese Witherspoon sneezing, interwoven throughout an Oscar-bait feature where Kiefer Sutherland and Adam Driver race each other through the American West trying to find all the Nikes that Lena Waithe has hidden in the Grand Canyon.
The revolution will put you in the driver’s seat. Metaphorically. Please don’t watch Quibi while driving. We can’t afford to get sued.
The revolution will be no re-runs; the revolution will be live. But also available 24 hours a day and ready to stream at your convenience, which is probably while you are taking a dump.
The revolution will be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.