In recent weeks, President Trump has promised we’d see a coronavirus vaccine by November 1st, a date which many have called “politically motivated,” “suspiciously close to the election,” and “an absurd, half-baked scheme that isn’t fooling anybody.”

Well, it looks like the president’s haters were wrong again, because the CDC has notified all 50 states to prepare to distribute the vaccine. That’s right — we did it. We found the cure, and I have it with me, right here, in the White House Press Briefing Room. As you can see, the vaccine is 100% real, 100% effective, and 100% not three little kids stacked under an extra-large J.C. Penney’s trench coat.

This is a historic day for our nation. Thanks to President Trump’s wise leadership, America can finally begin to heal. Heal, by blindly trusting an administration that has routinely ignored science. Heal, by not taking too hard a look at the vaccine, whose trench coat clearly conceals three tiny, adorable faces. And heal, by not asking whether or not “Vaxxy McVaxxerson” is a believable name for a vaccine developed by a legitimate Fortune 500 pharmaceutical company.

That’s surprising — it seems every reporter in the room has raised their hand, as though there are a few glaring questions about this comically absurd situation that, tragically, is real life.

Yes, Peter Baker from the New York Times… That’s preposterous — the vaccine is not “a transparent ploy to bolster support for the president’s failed coronavirus response.” America cannot “see through this embarrassing charade,” and the vaccine did not “just ask whether or not it could ‘go potty.’”

Let me remind you: this is an almost FDA-approved medication, and you are insulting the scientists who worked tirelessly to discover it, who assured its safety in preclinical trials, and who adjusted its adult-sized fedora in a way that suggests, “Now, that’s a real vaccine Americans can trust.”

Chanel Rion, from the good patriots at OAN… Excellent question. America is lucky to have President Trump in charge, and he did develop the idea for the vaccine all on his own, without inspiration from cartoons, which he doesn’t watch. Thank you for that insightful, hard-hitting journalism.

Dave Clarke, Washington Post, your question? Nope, I’m not worried that it’s “unsafe to allow Americans to believe we’ve developed a vaccine when 30 million Americans still believe every word this president says, no matter how slapstick or ridiculous.” I don’t even know what to say to that question, nor to the assertion that the vaccine just asked Jill Colvin of the Associated Press for a snack.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to adjust your assessment of President Trump’s performance on COVID, because like it or not, we have a real vaccine. Even though neither Pfizer nor Moderna nor any other company producing a vaccine has announced the completion of their clinical trials, Americans need to use their own eyes. Americans need to look at this vaccine and ask themselves: “Is that a real vaccine that I want to inject into my body? Or did three little kids just come tumbling out of that vaccine’s trench coat?” I trust America to make the right decision.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the vaccine is getting cranky and needs to be put down for a nap.