Good morning and welcome to our group hiking excursion to Flaming Bowels Of Hell Cave. Our guided tour is the only one to receive both a perfect five-star rating on TripAdvisor and the harshest possible condemnation of the Roman Catholic Church.

On the Flaming Bowels of Hell Tour you’ll hike, climb, and rappel your way through a thrilling one-of-kind ecosystem that also happens to evoke the torturous infernos of eternal damnation as depicted in holy scripture. Marvel at ancient rock formations, soaring cathedral-like ceilings, and the agonizing screams of the damned as they are swallowed whole by Abaddon The Destroyer, with plenty of opportunities along the way for taking stunning photos that are sure to amaze your friends back home among the living.

Our one-night, two-night, and eternal itineraries have been top-rated among cave lovers, adrenaline junkies, and tormented wraiths ever since we first accidentally opened Flaming Bowels of Hell back in 2012 with a mistakenly uttered Latin phrase and poorly timed trickle of lamb’s blood. We’re so excited to take you to the absolute limits of despair and horror, so without further adieu, let’s hit the trail!

We’ll begin our deluxe eternal itinerary with a casual sixteen-hour stroll through the thick, impenetrable brush that has plagued and terrified the local indigenous people for generations. Our knowledgeable and cloven-hoofed guides will teach you about the local flora while you try to ignore the ghastly bat-like wings stuffed under their windbreakers. The trail may be slippery depending on the previous day’s rainfall and/or spilled viscera, so please go slowly!

After a quick and excruciating 1000-meter climb, you will be rewarded with a sweeping panoramic view of the entrance to Flaming Bowels Of Hell. Pause for a moment and savor what is sure to be one of your last moments on this Earth while attempting to ignore the horrible drone of millions of swarming wasps and the distinct smell of rotting flesh. Then it’s time to strap on your climbing harness, ignore the explicit warnings of the Vatican, and prepare to enter the literal bowels of hell!

We’ll begin our descent into the cave with a series of short rope climbs down rock formations that look an awful lot like piles of human skeletons. Gaze up with your 40,000-lumen headlamp — enormous ancient stalactites hang from the cave ceiling along with ornate chandeliers made from thousands of bleached femurs. Take in the distant organ music and tormented wails of souls boiling in blood as we descend to the cave floor where we will pause for a light snack. Vegan options are available.

After a quick rock scramble and some light bouldering, we’ll arrive on the banks of a flaming sulfurous lake, where a deluxe, glamping-style campsite will be waiting for you courtesy of our vile, goblin-like porters. Enjoy a quick dip in the flames and an opportunity to take some photos before sharing a delicious meal with your fellow adventurers.

As you sit and chat, you’ll realize that you have a great deal in common with the members of your group, particularly the fact that you’re all simultaneously succumbing to the noxious sulfurous fumes wafting off of the lake. Drift into a deep slumber as you realize that you’re trapped for all eternity with a soft-spoken German man having a midlife crisis, an Australian skydiving instructor with the personality of a frying pan, and an essential oils salesperson who pronounces foliage “FOIL-age.”

On day two, you will have the option to rise early to watch Satan’s minions force-feed the gluttons. (Photos really don’t do it justice.) Otherwise, you’ll start your day with a filling breakfast before taking a short swim across the flaming lake and heading deeper into Flaming Bowels Of Hell. The lake is filled with writhing, mucous-covered serpents that feed on your deepest fears and insecurities, so keep those cameras ready as they’re sure to make a great selfie background! (Note: Fireproof phone cases will be available for a small rental fee.)

On the other side of the lake, we’ll begin a long and torturous section of trail featuring tough footholds, steep inclines, and a long, rambling discourse on the benefits of essential oils from one of your fellow hikers. We’ll then stop for lunch at Beelzebub’s Throne before our goblin-porters arrive to transfer you to your permanent place in hell.

Once again, thank you so much for choosing us for all your cave adventure and eternal damnation needs. We hope you enjoy your time in Flaming Bowels Of Hell Cave, and may the three-headed beast known as Cerberus unceremoniously flay you with his razor-sharp claws while Lucifer gnaws on your head for all eternity.