Listen, I’ll need to keep this quick. My apartment is a mess. I’m writing you as I stare at a crocodile-headed demon-dog urinating fire on my faux fiddle-leaf fig. I loved that tree.
Sounds kind of nuts, right? I brought this on myself. A portal to hell opened up in my living room the second I hit save on the final version of my most recent book: How to Self-Publish a Book for People Who want to Self-Publish a Book About Self-Publishing Books for People That Want to Self-Publish Books.
Look, I knew this would catch up to me eventually. Things have been pretty weird ever since I released my first work: How to Write Books for Money About Writing Books for Money to Sell to People Who Want to Write Books for Money About Writing Books to Sell to People in Ten Minutes a Day for Two Weeks.
Everyone wants to write a book. I knew I was a bit like Satan, capitalizing off folks’ dreams while making a hearty profit. In fact, the whole idea for my book series came to me in the form of a demon while I recovered from dehydration after a week-long bout with the flu. Best hallucination I’ve ever had.
I had to make a change at the time. My company, Cash Stuffed Envelope Bonanza, was on the verge of bankruptcy. I’d started my career on a noble path, running advertisements in local newspapers for how to make $20 an hour or more stuffing envelopes. The secret there, send customers a template to run adds having people send you $20 to learn how to make $20 an hour stuffing envelopes. All you need is a few thousand suckers (people) to respond over the course of a year. Genius.
The internet ruined that gig but opened up this new opportunity. I’ve done well as a self-publishing maven. I have it on good authority that thirty of the top five million Amazon Kindle-only authors have read one or more of my works. I’m proud of the future best-selling authors I’ve created. I’m thankful for you and your aspiring writers’ meetup crew for purchasing my books. I’ve sold dozens if not hundreds of each edition — all through my own advertising and publicity efforts.
My blog gets twenty million unique visitors a month. My content is varied, ranging from topics like the “Five Steps It Takes to Write a Blog Post On the Five Steps to Writing a Blog Post,” to my most popular post: “How to Become an Author by Writing.” I’ve translated that piece into Twenty different languages, including English Braille.
I really fucked up. A snake with a dragon head is spiraling its way out of the portal. This won’t end well.
I hope I can repent. This is my last book on the topic of self-publishing. I’m switching genres to the more lucrative self-help market. I’ve already completed the first draft of my next book, Waking up in the Morning: A Great Way to Start a Productive Day. Do you think that will get me out of this bind?
This is some tearing at the seams of the universe type shit. A kraken has escaped from my apartment. It was carrying seven print-on-demand copies of my books in each of its tentacles. Have I mentioned you can buy hard copies of my books through my website? Of course, I offer a discount on bulk orders.
I’m going to need to sign off. I’m being chased by a man whose body is actually composed of Africanized honeybees. While I run, I’d like to remind you to enter your email below to sign up for my daily newsletter of tips for getting people to sign up for your daily newsletter of tips for getting people to sign up for daily newsletters.
Off to hell I go!