1. Repeatedly smack your neighbors over their heads with their own bongos, achieving the sort of rhythmic consistency they have yet to manage in the seven weeks since they moved upstairs.

2. Break the bongos, find a particularly pointy piece of wood, and stab the upstairs neighbors. While this method is on the obvious side, one cannot expect the sort of creativity it would take to hypnotize them into stabbing themselves at 3 AM. One must consider the circumstances at hand.

3. There is a poetic beauty in fatally muffling these meddlesome noisemakers who don’t have the decency to play someone else’s practiced and processed, commercially digestible music. Remove the skins from the heads of the bongos, and suffocate your neighbors.

4. For these posturing pseudo-beatniks, a variation on the cement shoe and Chicago overcoat method gives a period-appropriate nod to your pretentious poseurs. Knock your upstairs neighbor unconscious with the bongos, slouch the limp body in the standard-issue residence furniture that seems incredibly suited to short people, despite the fact most people have hit their growth spurt by 18, place the two feet in each upside-down bongo, cement into place, and, once firm, toss the neighbour into the Bow River, or Elbow River, as you prefer.

5. Advertise via a Facebook event that their room is hosting a drumming gathering with Free Craft Beer! Leave your phone number as the contact, since the buzzer only sometimes works in your building, and buzz up anyone interested. When the crowd finds out there is no free beer to lull the ache of the bongo playing, they will turn on the players.

6. Ah, garroting. An incredibly popular form of street murder through the 18th and 19th centuries and a method that deserves a comeback. As this was originally executed by choking the offender with a piano wire, this is only achievable with a more traditional bongo, where twine or cord is used to add tension to the skin of the drum.

7. Thumb screws? Thumb screws! Remove the lugs, or hooks as you may prefer to call them, which are the metal, mechanical replacements for a twine tension system. Affix the bongo bashers to an uncomfortable dining chair, which comes with any standard issue rez room with furniture designed to not be sex-compatible, and use half-bongos to cuff the arms to the desk, securing them with duct tape, or drilling them onto the particle board dining table if you wish to see a secure closure. Proceed with the thumb screws.

8. Make them eat the bongos. Alright, so this one might or might not kill them, but imagine the immense pleasure of knowing that they will have stomach splinters, which could lead to tears in the stomach lining, infection, and death.

9. Skin and stretch their hides out over the drums so you can have the pleasure of beating them whenever you please.

10. Disassemble the bongos, and use the wood as kindling to begin building a fire around a signpost, find some twine, and use the lug hooks to anchor the twine to the ground. They have been perpetually half-baked on stanky, low-quality weed that they have diffused without having the good manners to share, so use this opportunity to finish the job.

11. With a sledgehammer, detach the two bongos from their center block, and turn the hemba, the larger of the two drums, on the floor. Place the neck of one upstairs neighbor on the hemba, place the macho over the neck, and sledgehammer the smaller drum into the larger one, severing the head.

12. Wait for them to die from the built-up pressure from not getting laid. This should only take a few months at most: as indicated by their heart-murmur-spasmodic palming, flat-palmed smacking, and fingering pianotage, that they do not have the crescendoing, rhythmic capacity to keep a lover, any lover, ever.