Our beach has recently experienced an unprecedented increase in deadly shark attacks and, as such, we’ve been forced to look for solutions. A shark-infested ocean is an essential American freedom. Therefore, limiting the number of sharks in the water is a complete non-starter. No matter how hungry and confused they may be, sharks are completely safe, contrary to what the liberal news media might tell you. With that in mind, we have come up with an excellent policy proposal to prevent future shark attacks and increase security at our beach. We are going to arm our lifeguards with sharks of their own.

You would be correct in saying we’ve done nothing to curb the number of sharks in the water of our extremely popular beach. In fact, we’ve tried to attract more sharks to our waters. We’ve thrown barrels of chum into the sea. We’ve stolen blood from local blood banks and dumped it into the water. We’ve even set up a beachside PA system to play a very specific sound frequency that sharks find sexually arousing. A shark-free beach is like target practice for hungry sharks. It’s what these bad sharks want and we refuse to give that to them. The solution to fewer shark attacks is definitely not fewer sharks in the water.

The common denominator among all of our beach’s shark attacks is certainly not that they were perpetrated by confused sharks enticed by chum and blood. No. The common denominator is that these shark attacks were committed by bad sharks. When you realize that, you can shed your prejudices and realize the only solution to a bad shark is a good shark. We’re going to arm about 20% of our lifeguards with the best and most powerful sharks. We don’t want all our lifeguards to have sharks, just certain highly trained lifeguards who can control their own shark like they’re goddamn Aquaman. These bad sharks won’t know what hit them.

In the event of a horrific shark attack, our lifeguards will now be armed and ready to offset the attack with a shark of their own. Sure, we already ask too much of our lifeguards. We ask them to work for little pay on an underfunded, overcrowded beach. They do so because they are committed to preserving the safety of beachgoers even though we make them pay for their own sunscreen and life preservers.

It’s time for these same underpaid lifeguards to take on the additional responsibility of wielding their own good shark as a weapon in the event of a deadly shark attack. This is the safest possible option. Our lifeguards will now be able to stop these attacks and save countless lives. They’ll also endanger a few lives as their personal sharks inevitably get scared and accidentally attack beachgoers because sharks are not meant to be used for personal safety. But, hey, that’s just the price of freedom.

Even though this approach will lead to even more sharks in our beach’s waters, it has nothing to do with the fact that our beach receives massive monthly donations from the shark lobby. The positions we hold on issues of shark-riddled waters are positions we’ve held since the day we opened this beach. We always accept the help of anyone who agrees with our agenda. These hungry sharks buy into our ideas, we don’t buy into theirs. Arming our lifeguards with sharks is a common-sense proposal, so don’t let the anti-shark left convince you otherwise.