President Trump’s proposal that ten to twenty percent of “highly adept” teachers receive bonuses for carrying guns in school had me pondering which of my Catholic school teachers might have been included in that ten to twenty percent, and what kinds of weapons they might have carried.

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Mrs. Van Morgan. Third Grade. White-haired, spectacles, deliberate in movements. When angered, which was frequently, would call students “ruffians” and “hooligans” and pull on their earlobes. Give her the AK-47.

Sister Mary Immaculata. Fourth grade. Gentle soul who encouraged love of reading. Wan smile. Slip her one of the handguns marketed to women, a .38 Special or Smith & Wesson 9MM.

Mr. Donatelli. Gym teacher. Balding, big calves, easily provoked. Excelled at hurling volleyballs at heads of inattentive students. Accurate at range of 10-15 yards. Really didn’t need a gun.

Sister Teresa Regina. Fifth grade. Always dressed in cowl and full black habit. Talk about concealed carry! Could easily pack a Glock under that habit. Maybe another strapped to her ankle.

Mrs. Masterson-Davis. Eighth grade. Brisk, organized, no-nonsense. Favored large handbags ideal for carrying a semi-automatic handgun, the Sig Sauer P938 or Ruger Lightweight Compact Pistol. Handbag pockets ideal for storing extra ammunition.

Sister Saint Gerard. Roamed the hallways. Big, assertive, terrifying. Once threw a student into a glass door. Give her the bazooka and stand clear.

Brother William. Ninth grade math teacher. Lithe, sharp-eyed, quick-moving. Make a good sniper. Position him near the cafeteria with an M-16. Night goggles and percussion grenades optional.

Mr. Cameron. Tenth-grade Spanish teacher. Excitable, adenoidal, unpredictable. Give him the — oh, forget it. Really. It would not end well.

Mr. Delany. Eleventh grade English teacher. Ruddy-faced, watery blue eyes, thatch of brown hair, intermittently combed. Smelled of cigarettes. Fond of reciting Yeats and Neruda in class. Casual attitude toward grades. Subject of many rumors, most involving excessive alcohol consumption. Once stepped in when another teacher was berating a student in the hallway. Separated them. Spoke kindly to the student. Give him the AR-15. He’ll know what to do with it.