First order of business: Welcome, new residents! You no doubt have a lot of questions about where you are and what you’ve done to deserve this. Don’t panic, we’re here to help. At your earliest convenience, you’ll want to head down to Room 701 for orientation and processing, where we’ll give you a hand and help you get acclimated to life—if it can really be called life!—in a top-secret experimental government holding cell designed to stretch the psychological and spiritual limits of the human will. Guides will give you a brief tour, two sets of keys, and a ruby-encrusted goblet from which you must drink a drop of your own blood in the event that someone lets loose the helldogs of rancor. Make sure you have these things at all times, new folks! You wouldn’t believe how quickly people forget, and how significantly quicker they are eaten afterward.

A very happy 73rd birthday to Nathan Brewer, the Cryptodrome’s oldest resident. Well-wishers who want to pay their respects are encouraged to stop by his room any time before his 5 p.m. attempt to hang himself.

On a slightly frustrating note, the Corpse Disposal Room seems to have yet again relocated itself to somewhere entirely new within the Cryptodrome. Explorers are working around the clock to find its new location. In the meantime, it is not—I repeat, NOT—okay to simply place the corpses in the middle of the hallway. Please be respectful of your neighbors and put them in neat, orderly piles on the SIDES of the hallways. A clean Cryptodrome is a sustainable Cryptodrome.

Dan tells me that, barring any further dragon attacks, the Book Club hopes to meet at the Great Precipice this Thursday. Please come prepared to discuss Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet in Heaven, which Book Club regulars will recognize as the only book anyone has ever been able to find anywhere within the Cryptodrome. Thanks Dan!

Sector 4C is back up and running now that the dragon has successfully been cast out. Unfortunately, it seems somehow to have split into multiple dragons—which is apparently something they can do—and taken over Sectors 2B through 2E. So be careful out there, Section 2ers! And remember, dragons are psychic.

A reminder that Room 385—the Bliss Chamber—is to be used for conjugal relations only when the green light above the door is ON. If the light is off, this means the room is serving as a surplus storage area for the corpses. I can’t emphasize this enough, folks. We can’t keep making this mistake.

Keep your eyes peeled for next week’s panel discussion, “What Color Do Your Walls Bleed?” on the topic of whether or not this is all in our heads. Panelists include former psychologist Matt Chambers, local celebrity Arnold “Armless” Dagley, and all of our third-grade teachers.

I’ve also been asked to stress that it is not advisable to put the shards from Room 721 inside the Chamber of the Endless Screaming—this might sound obvious, but certain residents seem to think it’s funny to do so. I ask you to consider whether it will seem so funny when the All-Seeing Hand comes to you in your dreams and removes your concept of joy.

The Cryptodrome Social Club is holding a cookies and punch mixer next Friday at 7 pm in Room 139. Remember, to gain entry, you must open your heart to that which you most fear—yes, Betsy, that means it’s time to accept your father!—preferably around 6:30 so you can help set up.

Explorers have discovered seven more rooms:

• Room 123: The Room of All Past Mistakes

• Room 2211: The Room of the False Belief That You Are Being Stabbed All the Time

• Room 524: The Room of Castration (#16)

• Room 472: The Room of a Large Ball of Sentient, Malevolent Plasma

• Room 2212: The Room of the Accurate Belief That You Are Being Stabbed All the Time

• Room 313: The Room of The Dragon With the Thousand Eyes

• Room 680: The Room Where Everyone Workshops Your Book of Poetry, and One Guy Calls It “Trite”

Thanks guys! Hope the next time around you find something that won’t try to kill us. Ha-ha, just kidding!

If you’re anything like me, you can have a little trouble assessing the safety of a room that is bleeding from the ceiling. Don’t sweat it, though, it can be hard to keep straight. That’s why Betsy and I have come up with this helpful little rhyme:

If the fluid’s clear,
Then have no fear.
But if it’s red,
You better head (to a sanitization hub).

Hope that helps!

In happier news, Jim has accidentally located the mythical Room 1 (“Finally!” I’m sure you’re thinking!). Unfortunately, instead of leading to an exit, as had been rumored, it was found to contain another goddamn dragon.

Well, that’s all for this newsletter, folks, see you next month! And remember: You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but you will be soon!