Your braces getting stuck together, in some contexts, counts as foreplay.

Those “mood setting” candles you bought will inevitably smell like a Port-o-Potty when lit in concert.

Accidentally punching her in the ear while trying to brush back her hair is only a deal breaker if you draw blood.

Satin sheets are only a turn on in bad romantic comedies.

Condom wrappers, as a rule, are impossible to open between the hours of 9 pm and 2 am.

Any music you play to set the mood will not be memorable or romantic. Yes, even Boston’s “More Than a Feeling.”

If she asks you to talk dirty, you will say something way over the line.

Even if you both cry afterward, it will still be more embarrassing for you.