Ladies, if you’re like me, you’ve tried every single human diet under the sun and none of them can get those pesky ten pounds off your stupid body. That’s all behind me now. I finally understand what those skinny ladies are always writing on their thinspiration blogs—it really isn’t good enough to diet, you have to totally shift your lifestyle. And the lifestyle I’ve shifted to is that of a feral raccoon.

I’m living, loving, and growing every day by aggressively emulating the Eastern raccoons I see each night rummaging around in the alley behind my house. These beauties are a “small and dark subspecies with long, soft fur” — exactly the kind of aesthetic I’ve been trying my whole life to cultivate.

Women have been told for years we shouldn’t restrict our diets to lose weight, but I had a hard time believing I was supposed to eat literally everything. After observing the raccoons behind my apartment, I finally realized this really was the way to go. Just like these feral nightcrawlers, my healthy flowing pelt now comes from a balanced diet of maggots, acorns, and half-eaten Reubens from my neighbors’ dumpster.

I’ve found winter is the hardest time for me to keep off the weight that determines my entire self-worth. Luckily, these masked mammals have that figured out, too—just completely shut your body down! From first frost to the early spring rains, my alley-dwelling neighbors and I cease all physical exertion and consume only enough to keep our hearts pumping blood through our bodies — which are an ideal 15-20% smaller than the males of our species. The raccoons do this because frost prohibits them from effectively finding food. I do it because society has made me loathe my natural body shape. Same-same!

Really though, what are we ladies doing this for if not to find ourselves a mate? The raccoons in the NO YARD WASTE dumpster behind my home have that sealed up as well. These svelte lady raccoons are so irresistible that male raccoons will travel tirelessly to “court them during the three-to-four-day period when conception is possible.” All Jeremy from my improv class has to do is ask me to go to a movie this weekend!

Are you wondering what the benefits of the raccoon lifestyle would be on your sex life? I was, too! “Copulation, including foreplay, can last over an hour and is repeated over several nights.” What even is foreplay? No one would do things like that with my old human lifestyle-based body! But now that I’ve been foraging for half-eaten vegetables and seeds in the brown dumpster, I have one full hour of copulation to look forward to each night!

Thanks to my new raccoon-based lifestyle, I’ve been turning heads on the sidewalks and back alleys of my neighborhood. I look great and I’m feeling good. I know Kate Moss said, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” but I bet she’s never eaten five-day-old Papa John’s crust after not getting out of bed for three full months!

Bon appetit, my procyon lotor friends!