1. You have dark circles around your eyes.

2. You look absolutely feral when caught off guard by flash photography.

3. Your behavior is unpredictable, and you could become unexpectedly aggressive at any moment.

4. You are a mostly solitary creature, but sometimes you band together with gender-specific social groups, because it’s the only way you’ll survive.

5. Your appearance in stark daylight is alarming, and prompts calls to public safety.

6. A bath wouldn’t hurt.

7. People get upset when you come into a restaurant with your family, because your mere presence is a disturbance and they think they’re going to have to fumigate the place once you leave.

8. And everyone freaked out that one time you all got onto an airplane, even though you were just sitting there minding your own business and the one who was really stressed out in that situation was you.

9. Those whiskers are getting pretty long.

10. And you very obviously don’t shave your legs, but nobody really expects that from you anyway. To be honest, everything is looking a little hairy and untamed.

11. And sure, you tend to weigh a lot more in the winter, but the extra stored fat will keep you nice and toasty during the cold months! Your roly-poly body is adorable. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.

12. In 1778, Benjamin Franklin traveled overseas to negotiate a treaty with the King of France for the purpose of gaining support during the Revolutionary War. In an effort to make a great first impression and fit the French expectations of a “colonial,” he donned a cap made from your skinned hide.

13. You survive off a steady diet of leftover food scraps, like half-eaten pizza crusts and the last couple of nibbles of an apple core.

14. That’s why the kids call you “Trash Panda” to your face.

15. A rabies shot wouldn’t hurt.

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Exhausted parent of small children: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15
Raccoon: 12