Welcome to my channel. I’m a YouTube child star who’s probably gonna end up president or something. My video “Slime Egg Toy Surprise” has been viewed more than three billion times, and I’m only six and a half years old. Watch out, career politicians!
After creating a few thousand more bangers like “Thomas Train Pretend Play Game Adults Kid Learning” or “Frozen Toy Set #FlagDaySale #Patriotism Educational Toddler #Sponsored Olaf Fun,” I figure I’ll bop around Silicon Valley for a few years, pick up some kind of raging addiction, maybe publish a memoir or put out a critically-panned album. Everyone has to pay their dues, right? Even I had to use the potty for the first time on YouTube Live before I could get a sticker for my chart.
Anyway, then I’ll be ready to slide into politics. Maybe as mayor of a joke-ish sort of city. Las Vegas? Somewhere in New Jersey? I’m six. I don’t know the names of all the states yet, much less how they lean politically.
After that, it’ll be an easy hop, skip (I just learned to skip), and a jump to becoming a senator, and then, wham—I’m your president, in charge of the biggest slime challenge in the world: the United States of America.
What party will I be affiliated with? Your guess is as good as mine, ’cause I couldn’t tell a RINO from a DINO on a matching worksheet.
I’ve been in the public eye since I was in Elmo pull-ups. And you wouldn’t believe how much money my parents are raking in. Seriously—google it. So, there should be plenty of campaign funding, provided my family doesn’t blow it all on plastic surgery. Besides, after I emancipate at fourteen, it will be MY money to use as I see fit on the coolest roller coaster theme park birthday parties, PJ Masks memorabilia, and my presidential campaign. Also, therapy.
I know as soon as my voice changes, I’ll be shunted out of the spotlight by younger siblings who will, in turn, be replaced by even younger ones for as long as my parents can keep them coming. But I’ve already built more name recognition than every Nobel Prize winner combined. More than enough to end up on the ballot in twenty-five to fifty years.
What am I gonna do as president? I’ve heard it’s a lot like being a YouTube star, so I’ll probably just be doing stuff so astounding you won’t be able to look away. And I’ll never ever do anything or tell any secrets that make the United States look bad or risk losing any of our sponsorship deals. I’ll also work every day, even when I have an ear infection or am supposed to be in school or at the prom or my ugly friend’s birthday party.
You know what, though? I might look into child labor laws and figure out why the heck they don’t seem to apply to child actors. Which I guess is what I am, even though the whole point is that I’m not acting. This is my actual life, and my childish innocence is out there for everyone (including you!) to exploit. You get to watch me grow in real time from an adorable toddler to a precocious elementary school kid and then skip ahead a decade or two until you think, Whatever happened to that kid? Then you see a thing on socials and go, Oh yeah, of course.
If you think about it—which I haven’t really, because I’ve had object permanence for less time than it’ll take you to read that Britney Spears memoir—it’s like people think we need to sacrifice a child star every so often to keep the world turning. Why else would parents keep offering up their kids to the starmaker machinery even though it’s a total disaster for almost every one of us?
But I’ll bet you something—part of you thinks your kid could be a child YouTube star who rakes in millions and gets cool free toys. Don’t you kinda believe your kid would be the exception and turn out totally fine after shouldering the burden of fame before they can even count?
Why is that?
But me, I’m definitely gonna beat the odds and use my gazillions to pay for college and, like, a chain of non-creepy animal sanctuaries, and I’ll probably end up being a really good and reasonable president, not a broken person or an evil mega-president who never learned that I wasn’t the center of the universe. So don’t worry!
Thanks for watching! Remember to hit like, subscribe, and vote for ME, a YouTube child star, in 2054.