The year is coming to an end, men. As your manager, I’d like to give you a comprehensive year-end review to evaluate your progress and goals for next year. This review is conducted at the behest of Upper Management.
Metrics for Success
Previously, the standard of success was how many women you’d slept with. Following complaints from unnamed staffers, this year, we’ve chosen to evaluate success by how much you’ve helped1 society, which, depending on the dexterity of your tongue, could be the same thing.
Areas for Improvement
We only have the conference room for 45 minutes, so we’re going to have to choose a few highlights. Based on feedback from your female peers, this list, I quote, “barely scratches the surface.”
- Sexual misconduct: This was cited as a frequent problem area this year, as it had been in years past. The lack of impulse control, even in the face of career-ending2 punishment, is an issue that we should address in 2019. As your manager, I’d like to work with you to keep your hands to yourself. Of course, I don’t expect this to happen all at once, so we’re aiming for a 30% groping decrease in 2019. This includes below the knee but excludes firm shoulder taps. We hope you won’t abuse the shoulder tap policy. Upper Management would also like you do know that if you miss these goals, nothing bad will happen to you.
- Shootings: We have some data here that suggests that as of November 8th, there were 307 mass shootings in this country, all conducted by you.3 307 mass shootings equate to nearly one mass-shooting per day, including weekends. Upper Management says that while they appreciate your work ethic, you can and should take weekends off. McKinsey reports have shown that we’re more productive when we give ourselves breaks.
- Trump: We have very solid evidence that President Trump is, in fact, a man.
- Manspreading: Once again, close your legs.
I enjoyed Bradley Cooper in A Star is Born. Well done, Bradley.
It’s critical that we all try to focus on accuracy in our work. We’ve noticed an uptick of inaccuracies from the male gender surrounding “involvement with Russia.” We’d urge you to be honest about your dealings with Russia in 2019. I’ll set an example — I recently slept with a beautiful Russian tour guide, and I stole a jar of peanut butter out of his fridge. As recompense, I’m offering all men a complimentary jar of Jif (extra crunchy) as a year-end gift.
A number of you have embraced communication with the outside world under the hashtag #notallmen. Upper Management applauds this effort to get your message out. Your female coworkers would like to suggest an additional hashtag: #notallmenbutmanyofthem. As your manager, I’d like to see you work on listening4 more in 2019 Q1. We’ll set a weekly goal for you to write down seven things you heard other people say each week. If you miss the goal, we’ll drop it to four because Upper Management has informed us that we’re too hard on men.
Working With Others
In this section, I am compelled to remind you that covering up your coworker’s sexual misconduct doesn’t count as a collaboration under Code 4.1.2. This confusion is understandable, according to Upper Management.
Things That Weren’t Your Fault
Upper Management instructed me to include this section in your review. It’s not in anyone else’s. I did not want to include it. I guess I’ll just say that we can’t blame men for the flu outbreak or kids eating Tide Pods.
Goals for Next Year
Ugh, I don’t know. I’m so tired.
The data suggests that I could replace you with robots or even well-trained dogs and achieve the same level of output. However, Upper Management dislikes this suggestion, and so instead we’re going to give you a 40% raise. And as a bonus, you’ll receive almost all the money.
1 “Helped” is loosely defined as “improved the lives of” and “not masturbated on.”
2 “Career-ending” is technically defined as a euphemism for “career-briefly-pausing” see: Louis CK, section 8.2.
3 To verify this data set, we’ve noted that each incidence of mass shooting correlates to a string of Republican tweets thematically stating that “now is not the time to talk about gun violence.”
4 “Listening” is defined as not talking and letting words other people say go into your brain. This is understandably confusing, so please consider my seminars: “Listening: What Even Is It?” and “Listening Part 2: How It Can Help You Get Laid.”