Salutations! My name is Tintin, and I’m an internationally famous boy reporter originally from Belgium. With my cadre of colorful friends and trusty dog Snowy by my side, I’ve traveled the world seeking out stories and uncovering criminal conspiracies — and today, my keen nose for adventure (not to mention the declining contributor rates at my usual outlets) has led me to the Digital Content Creator position at Quacker.com.
My interests and skillset dovetail perfectly with the requirements of this position as laid out in the job posting I sleuthed out on Indeed. I’m a multitasking go-getter obsessed with the trending news of the day — in fact, I once brought down a Chinese opium smuggling ring just for the scoop. Two to four years of digital content creation experience? Please. I’ve been turning leads into clicks since I was a teenager, from rescuing a mad scientist from Soviet thugs at 16 to finding buried treasure on a sunken pirate ship at 16 to masterminding a political coup in South America also at 16.
Any of the sheikhs whose children I’ve saved from ex-Nazi arms dealers can tell you that I’m an overachieving self-starter who measures success in terms of real results, whether that means cranking out dozens of typo-free posts a day or discovering a new element on a fallen asteroid in the Arctic Circle. Remind me to tell you about the time I went to Tibet and tracked down the Yeti — or better yet, I’ll make a sponsored TikTok about it faster than you can say “seamless brand integration.” I see you don’t offer benefits, but that’s okay — there weren’t any benefits in that ice cave, either.
I would thrive in Quacker’s fast-paced, ever-changing environment, having safely crash-landed multiple exploding planes and helicopters. Talk about a fire drill!
Just like Quacker, I’ve got a roll-up-your-sleeves work ethic, a can-do attitude, and a penchant for thinking outside the box. When I was held hostage by a hidden sect of a lost Incan society, I used a scrap of newspaper in my pocket to time my upcoming sacrificial burning to a solar eclipse. When the sun disappeared, the Incas thought the gods wanted me to live, and I was set free thanks to my creative problem-solving abilities. Those abilities also let me brainstorm and execute shareable, snackable digital content that effectively steers the online conversation.
On top of all that, I’m a bonafide page-view savant. You should have seen the readership numbers after I put away Al Capone at 16.
It’s increasingly important to be bilingual in today’s workplace, which is great since I speak both English and French. Also, I once got a herd of elephants to treat me as their king by communicating with them via hand-crafted wooden flute, so I’m happy to utilize those skills if anything like that comes up at Quacker.
As an employee, I’m equally comfortable taking an initiative solo or collaborating as part of a team that includes two idiotic Scotland Yard detectives, a hearing-impaired professor, and a crude Maria Callas stand-in. I’m also attaching a glowing letter of recommendation from Captain Haddock, an alcoholic middle-aged sea captain who is my best friend.
My packet is attached as well. I’m particularly proud of the following pieces:
- Seven Things I Learned From Being Buried Alive In A Lost Egyptian Tomb
- The Gorilla I Rescued From A Smuggler’s Hideout On A Mysterious Scottish Island: You Won’t Believe What He Looks Like Now
- This One Hypnosis Trick That Aliens Used On Me After Beaming Me Up From An Erupting Volcano Will Change Your Life!
I’d also like to address the elephant in the room: in my early days, I engaged in some activities that were accepted back then but are viewed in a different light today. But who among us hasn’t tweeted some regrettable stuff, or made a joke they wish they could take back, or gone to the Congo on a mission trip to teach the people there about what a service imperial Belgium was doing for them? Times were different then, and I promise to make sure that the time I dynamited a critically endangered white rhinoceros for fun won’t be an unnecessary workplace distraction. Keep in mind, I was only 16 when I made those unfortunate mistakes, and now, as a 16-year-old, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the errors of my ways.
Relatedly, I’ve only interacted with, like, three different women in my life, so we might need a bit of onboarding for that.
In my career as a journalism professional, I’ve been drugged, hexed, assaulted, kidnapped, and left for dead. I’ve taken on organized crime, military dictatorships, slave traders, and unscrupulous antique dealers. I’ve survived executions, revolutions, and being injected with a poison that causes instant madness. But one thing I haven’t done yet is create high-quality posts at minimum wage on a freelance basis for a private equity-owned content aggregator based out of White Plains, New York. But in today’s media climate, a boy reporter’s gotta eat, right?
Thank you for the opportunity to apply to Quacker. I look forward to hearing back. Please.
PS. I was also the first man to walk on the moon. I was 16.