“Welcome to Walmart. If you’re fixin’ up your car, gettin’ ready to head out somewhere in search of the American dream, we got what you need over in the Auto & Tires department.”

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“Buryin’ a family member in a un-marked grave on the side of the road? Check out our shovels! Lowes’ prices in town.”

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“Welcome to Walmart. Tarps on sale today. Real fine tarps. Ain’t got no holes.”

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“Fresh-picked peaches over in produce. My pa picked ‘em, then Walmart bought up all the harvest, so’s the little fella can’t have no peaches of his own.”

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“Today’s bargain: Tire patch kits. They got glue an’ ever’thing.”

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“Welcome to Walmart. Got side meat down that way.”

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“Thanks for shoppin’ at Walmart. Take a gander at our sale on Ax handles. Aisle 3.”

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“Lookin’ for coffee? I sure could go for a cup’a coffee. But I can’t afford it, even at these low, low prices.”

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“Welcome to Walmart. I’d quit, but ‘nother fella would just take my job and do it for less too.”

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“Welcome to Walmart. Our prices can’t be beat. You know why? Because my family toiled in the hot sun to harvest a bunch o’ cotton weighed on crooked scales, so you can buy your underwear dirt cheap.”

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“Find what you need at Walmart, unless you want’a fair wage. I’m thinkin’ of heading north. Hear there’s a place hirin’ called McDonald’s.”

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“Come on in. I jus’ killed my floor manager. The son of bitch cut my hours again, so I choked him with a garden hose I found on sale in the Patio and Garden department. Don’t feel bad ‘bout it neither, ‘specially ‘cuz that hose was so cheap.”

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“Welcome to Walmart. I been thinkin’ a hell of a lot lately. Maybe a man ain’t got a soul of his own. Maybe we’re all jus’ part of one big corporation.”

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“Enjoy Walmart’s low, low prices. I can’t stay here no more. But I want you to know, a part’a me will always be next to you while you’re shoppin’. I’ll be ever’where — wherever you look for cheap products. While you wander this store or the one two towns over, I’ll be there. When your children are runnin’ ‘round your green lawn, kickin’ up dirt and shootin’ each other playin’ with that Nerf missile gun you plucked off a shelf over in the Toy aisle, I’ll be there. When a customer raises his voice because of an unnecessarily complicated return policy, I’ll be there. When a Walmart employee is threatened to work more for less, I’ll be there.”