(“Meant to Live” by Switchfoot plays.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: (On rooftop.) You ever get the feeling you could just … I don’t know … do something incredible?
(Cut to a burning barn.)
CITIZEN 1: That barn is going to collapse!
STOUT: I’m on it! (STOUT runs in and, using his powers of stoutness, holds up a wall.)
CITIZEN 2: Look at that guy, he’s so stocky! He must be really dense to be that strong for his size.
CITIZEN 3: He’s not stocky … (Cut music. Blackout.) He’s stout.
(Cut to beer bottles around a table set for Thanksgiving dinner. “Cult of Personality” by Living Colour plays.)
ELDER BOTTLE 1: So, Bobby, do anything special today?
HEFEWEIZEN: No, not really.
YOUNGER BOTTLE 1: Bobby stopped a stampede. He said he could control all the cows because he’s a heiferweizen.
HEFEWEIZEN: I think Susie needs to take her Ritalin. (Whole table laughs. We see HEFEWEIZEN shoot YOUNGER BOTTLE 1 a knowing wink. Cut back to rooftop from opening shot.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: I can fly! Yeah! YEAH! IT’S MY TURN TO BE SOMEONE NOW, GARY!
(Cut to a train station.)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1: We’ll never get the president to the doctor in time! Someone’s gotta carry all the bags with important government secrets in them!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 2: But who could carry all that? We’d need a dozen men!
PORTER: (Walks out of the shadows, spits out toothpick.) I’m your man.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1: And what are you supposed to be?
PORTER: I’m a porter.
(Cut to a room full of beer bottles.)
MILLER HIGH LIFE: Look, I think it’s time we all recognized that we have … gifts.
PILSNER: What are you talking about?
LAGER: He’s right. My whole life I’ve known I’ve been … just incredibly tasty. And Thirty-Pack, he can do a really great Christopher Walken impression.
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) I’m Christopher Walken. (Everyone laughs.)
FORTY: Frank, you’re one to talk.
PILSNER: Shut up, Abe.
FORTY: Frank can locate any other pilsner in the world, using only his label.
PILSNER: I said shut up, Abe!
HEFEWEIZEN: Please! There’s no reason to fight each other. We’ve all got to realize something.
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) We’ve all got to realize that Lager is seriously just incredibly super extra tasty, in ways that make my head explode with confetti bubbles. Crazy.
LAGER: That’s really good.
PILSNER: I don’t care what any of you freaks say! I’m not banding together with a bunch of degenerates. Come on, Doppelbock, we’re off to form our own agenda.
DOPPELBOCK: (Makes grunting noise.)
FORTY: It doesn’t have to be like this, Frank. We can work together, not against each other.
PILSNER: The day I work alongside of you, you macrobrew fuck, will be the day I get recycled for 5 cents in most states, 7 in the weird ones.
PORTER: Let ‘em go. They’ve got their own choices to live with.
STOUT: Why don’t I just bruise ’em up real good?
THIRTY-PACK: (In Christopher Walken voice.) Yeah, break their knees, those rat bastards.
LAGER: OK, now it’s getting old.
MILLER HIGH LIFE: Gentlemen, we’ve all been gathered here for a reason. It’s high time we realized that we’re not just ordinary beers. We are, all of us …
(Cut music, fade to black. Cut to title screen with name of show emblazoned with lots of blue fire.)
VOICE-OVER: Season 1 available Friday. Women who are pregnant should not watch Beer-oes. Beer-oes may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Please watch responsibly.