Thank you for choosing to stay at my writer’s colony, conveniently located in my two-bedroom apartment, nestled in the beautiful strip malls of suburbia.

We are across the street from a Starbucks and a Barnes and Noble where you should plan on doing most of your writing, as I do not like grumpy writers hanging out in the apartment all day.

The master and guest bedrooms are off limits because I sleep in the first and use the second as an office. You may watch TV in the living room for short periods of time, provided you keep the volume down and do not watch pay-per-view.

The bathroom is also off limits. We suggest using the restroom at Barnes and Noble, which comes highly recommended by local derelicts.

Feel free to clear out a shelf for yourself in the refrigerator, as the colony does not provide food. Nor do we provide a stipend, travel allowances, art supplies, transportation, or internet access. Spouses, children and small animals are not welcome. Although we do provide lodging, if I bring home a lady friend, you should plan on making alternative arrangements for the night.

The colony is minutes away from a fantastic branch of the local public library whose holdings include the complete works of Danielle Steele and John Grisham as well as a comprehensive DVD catalog containing Are You Being Served? and Bison of North America.

One of the charms of the colony are its two resident dogs, Muffin and Trixie, neither of whom like visitors nor have up-to-date rabies shots.

The foldout couch in the living room is quite comfortable, unless the dogs are already sleeping on it, in which case the carpeted floor is a wonderful orthopedic option.

Every day starts at 6 am whereupon you are violently awoken and expected to walk the dogs. Other chores at the colony include doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, vacuuming, and draining the dogs’ anal glands.

Do not leave valuables at the colony as we cannot be held responsible for lost or stolen items. Do expect, however, to have your personal belongings rifled through. And if you are missing some private possessions, do not be alarmed. The colony likes to have keepsakes of its residents.

We have many lovely dining options to choose from here at the colony. We are a stone’s throw away from a Panda Express, a McDonald’s, a Jamba Juice and a Baja Fresh.

Among the awards past residents of the colony have not won include the Pulitzer, the National Book Award, a Pushcart Prize, a Fulbright, an NEA grant, a Guggenheim fellowship, a MacArthur genius grant, the PEN/Faulkner award, and the REA award for the short story.

Residencies are available year round. Payment required in advance. Deposits are non-refundable. Cash only. There is no application.

Muffin, Trixie and I look forward to your arrival!