899 Aurora Rd.
Boulder, CO 80302
5 beds/4 baths

Majestic VIEWS of the Flatirons right out your back door, with easy access to downtown at your fingertips. Located in one of Boulder’s most prestigious neighborhoods, this three-level house will make you feel right at home if you could ever afford it which you can’t and never will. A HUGE custom deck out back makes this perfect for entertaining — bring all your Colorado friends, which you can count on one hand because you don’t live there. Boulder at its finest!

428 Chabot Rd.
Oakland, CA 94618
4 beds/3 baths

Perched on one of the most stately lots in Rockridge, this craftsman has everything you need for comfortable and functional living if you have $400k in the bank somehow. With a rare large backyard, look forward to great inside-outside flow if you ever end up moving to the Bay Area, which you will not. Nor should you. It’s not that great a place to live. Welcome home.

3283 NW Vaughn St.
Portland, OR 97210
5 beds/3 baths

With a second floor that’s made entirely of built-ins, you won’t be able to put your hands anywhere without accidentally breaking something. Take a look around during the open house next SUNDAY 1-4 pm and claim to be an investment banker or some crap to make people think you can afford to live in this g.d. museum. All the great shops and restaurants of NW 23rd are just down the block, while the trails of Forest Park are mere minutes away, so you can go shopping in the morning and then take the dog out to get muddy as hell in the afternoon. Please do not bother the current residents.

1999 N. Howe St.
Chicago, IL 60614
4 beds/5 baths

Lincoln Park STUNNER with elevator on prestigious and beautiful Howe Street. Exquisitely renovated, relish in the Chefs kitchen with three sinks, six-burner Wolf Range, five more sinks, two more stoves, a terrace, six more sinks nearby, and one of those refrigerators that’s been disguised as a wall. “Can I have some lemonade?” one of your guests will ask. “Sure,” you respond, “and good luck finding it,” you continue, cackling to yourself. Radiant heat throughout, including sidewalk, front stairs, backyard, front yard, neighbor’s yard, and wherever you’re trying to store your wine. Truly an enclave in the city!

4 Morning St.
Portland, ME 04101
6 beds/4 baths

How aroused would you be, sexually, if this description used the word “gazebo”? What about “wraparound porch”? Well, we’re about to find out. New construction with ocean views just steps from walking and biking trails. Two-story home with 800+ sf garage to store your car and giant pile of sweaters. Eat-in kitchen, all new appliances, huge backyard that features a gazebo, wraparound porch. Yes. Keep going. A big, big wraparound porch. Don’t stop. I like that. Huge gazebo. Two gazebos. Oh my God. Three gazebos. YESSSSSSSS DON’T STOP. Four goddamn gazebos, one of which has its own wraparound porch. UUUUGGHGHGHGUGHGH… UGH… UGH… huh, huh, huh…that was amazing… you were amazing. Wonderful neighbors.

3000 Pacific Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94115
8 beds/6 baths

So it’s led to this, then. San Francisco. Again. And an eight-bedroom freakshow masterpiece down the block from Danielle Steel. Look at it. At all the pictures. Jesus that Jacuzzi looks nice. Relaxing. You could have some amazing damn soaks in that delicious whorl of American luxury. You could have a butler. Jameson, run me a bath. Jameson, tell the Zuckerbergs that I won’t be able to make it tonight; I have personal business to attend to. Jameson, prepare the entertainment floor for documentary night — I wish to see how the plebs live. But it’s never going to happen. Not unless you figure out a way to turn time back 15 years and then make life choices that will lead you to a highly lucrative profession of highly questionable social value. Oh, let’s give tax breaks to the rich, the money will trickle down to everybody else. Meanwhile the rich are just exchanging money among themselves on luxury real estate and giving whatever’s left over to their stockbrokers. 6+ parking.