“You MUST see The Lion King.”
The last time you were in New York, Michael Bloomberg was mayor and nobody knew what a cronut was.

“Why not try kayaking on the Hudson?”
You do not actually like living in New York City.

“Corner bodega bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.”
You haven’t been north of 23rd Street in seven years.

“Go to a poetry slam in the East Village and then spend a few hours just getting lost in The Strand.”
You do not have, nor have you met, children.

“Try the steak frites au poivre at La Bonne.”
You work in finance. What you know of the world is not applicable to 97 percent of the population.

“Go to Max’s Kansas City and order a beef shish kebab.”
You are Fran Lebowitz in 1978.

“Museum of Ice Cream!”
You have children between the ages of five and nine. The last time you tried to go to The Strand, you forgot the ziplock of Cheerios and had to spend $24.95 on a sticker and jewel mosaic set to avoid a public meltdown.

“Broadway is OK but locals know that the real New York experience is going to see off-off-Broadway experimental theater. For a limited time, you can see a play called ‘Erasmus’ Journey to the Center of the Matrix’ at an abandoned magistrate court on Second Avenue.”
Your nephew is a Tisch graduate and also the writer, director, and producer of Erasmus’ Journey to the Center of the Matrix.

“Forget the main branch. The best library in the city is hidden away on the Lower East Side with no public restrooms and barely any light. A must-see.”
You had an unfortunate interaction with a drunk Santacon Santa on the steps of the Stephen A. Schwarzman Building. You’ve tried to move past it, but the feeling of yuletide dread has stayed with you.

“Or take a drive upstate to Cold Spring — it’s so nice there.”
You spend 100 percent of your free time trawling RedFin for homes in the Hudson Valley, making a Pinterest list of cottagecore decor inspo, and taking “hikes” in Central Park. Seriously, you hate the city and we’re all wondering why you’re still here.

“Get a real authentic New York slice in Times Square.”
You hate tourists.

“Don’t tell anybody, but you can see leprechauns in the catacombs of the Old St Patrick’s Cathedral on Mulberry Street, but only if you’re very lucky.”
And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you, Shamus Connelly!

“The High Line is an abandoned elevated train track where you can relax and be in nature.”
You were born and raised in New York City and never bothered to get a driver’s license.

“Grab a Jacques Torres hot chocolate and just walk around. Or cheese and rosé tasting at Murray’s.”
You come from a long line of people who don’t know lactose intolerance from Adam.

“See an improv jam. It’s free!”
You’re an out-of-work actor who’s been hired to give out “free” tickets for a two-drink minimum improv jam at a bar on Ninth Avenue.

“Central Park boat ride, ballet at Lincoln Center, or maybe jazz at The Django, then walk along the Hudson at night, marveling at the wonder of it all.”
You still watch Woody Allen films but have the good sense not to mention it in mixed company.

The Secret World of Elephants exhibit at the Natural History Museum is the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve seen it seven times.”
You are a child between the ages of five and nine.

“See the skyline from a yacht. I can get you a fifteen-dollar ticket for a yacht party next weekend. Tickets are usually forty dollars.”
You’re not sure how or why you have come to acquire this Groupon, but it expires at the end of the month.

“B&H Dairy and B&H Photo are actually two very different things. Oy.”
You still regret the way it all went down with Mendel, but are ever hopeful that time heals all wounds.

“Get courtside tickets to see New York Liberty and sit next to Billie Jean King.”
You are Fran Lebowitz in 2023.

“Little known secret: the best bagels and lox are in Nassau County.”
Seriously. Move already.