Dear Employees,

We are pleased to officially roll out the company’s new health benefits. Supermarket Cake is an innovative insurance option that allows you to skip tedious, traditional healthcare procedures such as “seeing a doctor,” “making a lifestyle change,” and “surgery” to get straight to what makes you feel better: shoveling cheap grocery store cake into your cake hole.

Here’s how it works: Each month, a premium will be deducted from your paycheck, and, in exchange, your Supermarket Cake coverage will pay for 80 percent of your expenses every time you encounter a medical issue, so long as your expenses are limited to a $27.99 supermarket cake that you bought to comfort-eat while worrying about how you’ll afford to fix your medical issue.

As a leader in wellness, Supermarket Cake eschews old-school notions like preventive care or emergency wound dressing. Instead, we empower you, the modern American patient, on your journey toward whole-person health where every sharp pain and disconcerting lump sends you not to a hospital but to a bakery aisle that can supply you with enough vanilla-flavored empty calories to see God.

If you’ve signed up for the Supermarket Cake PPO option, you can access myriads of in-network providers like Safeway, H-E-B, and Piggly Wiggly. If you’ve selected the lower-cost Supermarket Cake HMO, coverage is limited to your PCP (primary cake provider), which is a Food 4 Less miles away, where the pastry case is always sweating and the sound system never stops playing Maroon 5’s sophomore album, It Won’t Be Soon Before Long.

Understanding your prescription coverage is easier than ever with Supermarket Cake, mainly because no medications are covered—just Styrofoam clamshell containers for your unfinished portions, so you can self-administer corner pieces as needed when symptoms occur. This is similar to how you might have used your asthma inhaler had we paid for one.

For dental concerns, we invite you to download Supermarket Cake’s free app, YumYumHealth, for 24-7 access to virtual consultations addressing your oral health needs. Our board-certified dentists are standing by to provide real-time tutorials on how best to maneuver cake forkfuls to the back of your throat and avoid contact with your rotting teeth.

Supermarket Cake also offers top-tier mental health benefits, including our limited-time “Eat Your Feelings” campaign. For the next six months, subscribers can pipe the intrusive thought of their choosing onto a confetti-sprinkled quarter sheet free of cost.

And while conventional counseling sessions are not covered under the Supermarket Cake policy, we offer the therapeutic alternative of having pre-cut slices loosely wrapped in off-brand tinfoil and frozen so that they may be eaten unthawed at 3:00 a.m. while vacantly staring into the disquieting glow of the open fridge and pondering the merciless and unceasing trudge toward death that we all must endure.

We’re proud to have you as a member and hope you’ll enjoy all your delicious benefits. Remember, while open enrollment is now closed, if you experience a qualifying life event during the year, you may be granted a special window during which you can upgrade to our Elite Rosette Plan, which adds Soft, Pink Frosted Cookie coverage.

Please note, all claims are subject to an annual out-of-pocket deductible of $8,500 before any cake payment is obligated to begin.