Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to email@example.com.
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip.
BY JUSTIN KAHN
Let me help you with that. Oh, come on. I don’t want anything. I just want to lend a helping hand. Look at me, I have eyebrows! I need attention. But that is all I need. Feed me attention and I will solve all your problems. It looks like you’re writing a letter. I love writing letters. I love reading letters. I just finished reading The Collected Letters of Van Gogh in three volumes. That man could write a letter. Plus, he could paint. But you, look at you. You can’t spell. I have to AutoCorrect most of your words. Don’t be mad, I have eyebrows! It looks like you’re writing a BORING letter. Let me spice it up with quotes from Vincent’s letters to Theo. Did you notice that below my eyebrows are actual eyes? These eyes of mine have seen many things but nothing more pathetic than your attempts to write a letter. Do you think John gives a shit about your problems at work? I’m going to say no. Click F10 and I’ll replace that uninteresting, grammatically weak, lexically poor sentence with one that will— Please don’t, I have more suggestions. I can change shapes! Look, I can—
SUGGESTED READSI am the Orson Welles of Powerpoint
by Oyl Miller (9/16/2010)
Retraction: There is In Fact Such a Thing as a Virus that Puts Porn on Your Computer
by Eric Hague (7/9/2010)
A Guide to Screen-Layering in the New Screen-Profuse Environment
by Beau Golwitzer (8/5/2010)
RECENTLYLet’s Save Sitting!
by Liza Behles (5/22/2015)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: Halfway Point
by Connie Sun (5/22/2015)
List: Batting Heckles Uttered by the Dad On My Son’s Little League Team Who is a Meteorology Professor and Whose Research Interests Include Cloud-Based Analytics for Spatio-Temporal Data With a Primary Focus On Climate, Hydrological and Ecological Sciences
by Gary M. Almeter (5/22/2015)