“The cold sting of Almay liquid eyeliner in the morning is like caffeine for my face—and my self-worth!”

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“Maybe she’s born with this desperation for male approval that links back to daddy issues, maybe it’s Maybelline.”

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“CoverGirl’s InvisibleColour foundation will make you forget your blemishes, and your wretched envy for girls who can look good without this shit.”

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“L’Oreal: Because you’ll never be worth it until you convince yourself that you are and that can only happen if your parents tell you that they’re proud of you but they never will be because you blew all of their nest egg money on online fashion school.”