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New Categories Describing the Condition of Used Books Sold On Amazon.com.
BY SASCHA COHEN
“Smells like cigarettes and includes business card of practicing metaphysician.”
“Some pages may contain Nutri-Grain bar crumbs and specks of cat litter.”
“Spine of book may have been moderately damaged during hypomanic episode.”
“Some margins may be marked with ethnic slurs and/or Pottery Barn wish lists.”
“Back cover flap appears to have been partially consumed by a goat.”
“I hid a lock of hair somewhere in this one.”
SUGGESTED READSActual Reviews Posted on amazon.com by Me, in Utter Slack-Jawed Ignorance of the Books Involved, and with Grammatical Errors Intact
by Tim Church (2/7/2000)
A Review of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead
by Bill Wasik (3/1/1999)
Monologue: Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors’ Office
by Evan Johnston (8/1/2008)
RECENTLYWe Provide Meals That are Completely Unaffordable and Unappealing to People Who Actually Live in This Neighborhood
by Pablo Goldstein (8/22/2014)
Testomania: How is Your Love Life?
by Janet Manley (8/22/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Passing Motorist Who Suggested I Take a Photograph of His Dick
by Cirrus Robert Wood (8/22/2014)
POPULARAirplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants
by Wendi Aarons (5/4/2012)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)