Do you wish for more workplace flexibility? A family-friendly culture? Would you like to work from home?
Well, now you can. In fact, you must. Starting next week, all of our employees will be required to work from home.
Or, more specifically, H.O.M.E., our new Headquarters Of Mass Enslavement overlooking the river, with jogging trails, a rock climbing wall, subsidized massages, and an electric fence. This week, we’ll be assigning each of you to your very own apartment-style office, where you will have the flexibility to live, work, and play in a well-designed space of just under 60 square feet, complete with wireless Internet and fully-wired furniture which will shock you awake if you attempt to fall asleep anytime between 5AM and midnight, which will be your new standard work-from-H.O.M.E. hours. But don’t worry—you’ll have free laundry, occasional access to sunlight, antibiotics in your food, and an on-site yoga instructor to help you gain the flexibility you’ll need to squeeze into your new accommodations.
In a pilot program to figure out the details of our Work From H.O.M.E. plan, six weeks ago we moved our entire Human Resources department into the compound. Their experiences have enabled us to develop answers to some common questions as well as figure out the proper calibration for the electric shocks. (We’re confident that Laura from Recruiting will be back to work in no time; not that any of you noticed she was gone.)
“What about my family?”
Your family is, of course, very important to us. That’s why they’re encouraged to live at H.O.M.E. with you. We’ll even place an extra bed into your cell for all of your children (and some other children) to share. In the spirit of work-life balance, your children will be allowed to sleep until 7AM before beginning their workday.
“Will you be supplying food?”
Yes. The cost of the meal plan will be deducted from each paycheck. Food will be delivered to your cells three times a day in the form of capsules. Extra capsules will be available for purchase on our Intranet system. There will even be special theme weeks when the flavors inside the capsules will be determined by world-class chefs from around the world—just another (taxable) perk!
“Can I ever leave?”
Why would you ever need to when everything you’re allowed to do is right here at H.O.M.E.? You can even spend your one daily eight-minute break in the gym, getting a healthy workout by packing our products into boxes for shipping to our customers.
“What if I try to crawl into one of those boxes and get myself mailed back into society?”
We will catch you.
“Will any of these new policies affect my stock options?”
No.
While many of our competitors offer access to ping-pong tables, video games, company bicycles, and promise flexible vacation time, they still require you to commute to the office, buy your own clothes, and make time-consuming decisions about your life. By working from H.O.M.E., you can avoid all worries about where you’ll be spending your time, what you’ll be doing, and how many walls you will be attached to via stylish and flexible chains. We’ll even provide weekly lectures from top entrepreneurs, piped directly into your ears while you enjoy our automated body scrub and medical scan, ensuring you stay clean, healthy, productive, and alive. Haircuts are provided free of charge!
Some members of our pilot program asked about their current possessions. Those employees are no longer with us. Others wondered whether there might be any exceptions to this new relocation program.
While we would like to grant those requests, we want all of our employees to feel the energy and buzz in our offices and electric shocks, which is why it is critical we all live together at H.O.M.E. Some of the best decisions and insights come from hallway marches, meeting new people, and impromptu team quarantines. Speed and quality are often sacrificed when we work separately. We need to be one company, and that starts with being physically constrained in a single prison-like space.
Thanks to all of you, we’ve already made remarkable progress as a company—and the best is yet to come. We’ll be coming around shortly with your complimentary collars.