Ladies and Gentleman,

Thank you, everybody, for coming out to the rally for Levi For Town Alderman. I know some of you have traveled a long way by boat, foot, boat, horse, and even boat to get here tonight, but I wanted to assure you right off the bat that as alderman, I will be cutting wasteful spending that goes towards things like climate change and prayer. We all know that this storm that has been going on for 39 days and 39 nights cannot be God-caused. 3% of reputable prophets agree with me!

Now yes, I have heard people like that schmuck Noah insist that this is the worst rainstorm in history and that it will continue unless we repent. But did you know why he’s saying that? It’s because Noah is an agent for Big Prayer. He gets kickbacks from the synagogue. And I know that many of you will point out that our synagogue is wholly submerged in water, but you’re missing the larger picture. The rainstorms cannot be our fault. They’re part of a natural cycle of damnation that occurs every few generations. The fault for this cannot be God-made.

There is no conclusive proof that water levels are rising. In some places, in fact, they are even dropping! I had a cousin who used to live in a beautiful beachfront property right on the border between Sodom and Gomorrah. Now there isn’t even a waterfront there. The sea retreated when a great chasm opened up in the earth and swallowed the entire city. To think that my cousin was left saddled paying off the debts for a speed boat with no water left to use it in! Where was your so-called “God” then, huh, Noah?

There are people out there who say that my stance is politically motivated, that there’s an overwhelming body of evidence to suggest that the earth is flooding very rapidly due to some sort of heaven-sent climate change. To those critics I say “nonsense!” — and also I say, “I’m sorry for the loss of your agricultural communities. We all regret deeply your tragic and entirely inexplicable floods.”

If Noah had his way, we would be out there with the Akkadians and the Sumerians signing treaties to try to mitigate the effects of the flood and cut back on our transgressions against the Lord. But let me ask you this — why is it incumbent upon the people of Canaan to contribute virtuous deeds to the scale whereupon the total weight of human sin is gathered and weighed? I don’t see the Medes cutting back on their profligacy, and if they don’t, why should we? If the flood were caused by God — which it isn’t — I would sooner drown than kowtow to these foreigners who don’t understand our way of life. This is Canaan. Our culture’s foundation is love of family, pride of country, and the occasional Saturnalian orgy. If our forefathers knew that some people here would give that up for something stupid like preserving humankind, they would turn over in their now-waterlogged graves.

By the way, if this Noah is so virtuous, where is he now in our time of need? Oh, that’s right, he’s off at the Home Depot getting more tools to put together his little model ship. Rather than helping the communities most afflicted by this very naturally-occurring climatic shift, he’s been sighted trying to get exotic animals to breed on his cruise line. You say he’s a visionary and a prophet? I say he’s a giraffe fetishist.

The propagators of this theory of divine retribution are only trying to hurt Canaanite industry because they know that with increased regulations on the number of sacrifices we can offer and limitations on the number of blasphemies we can perpetrate, the very spirit of what it means to be from here will be curbed. There’s no “God” up there that’s making it rain like this.

I notice that about half of the audience has now either been carried away by the riptide or has evacuated to the snack stands outside the venue, so I suppose I’ll wrap things up. Let me just say that humanity has experienced countless adversities during our thousands or hundreds of years or however long we’ve been on the earth at this point — I’m still not really clear on the chronology of Genesis — and there’s no reason to believe that our sins have brought about this unprecedented cataclysm, nor is there any reason to believe that we can stop it by rectifying our ways. Did you know that human sins are a very tiny portion of overall sin emissions? You ever seen two ducks going at it in the river. Them some FREAKS. But it’s not like some sort of flood would hurt them much, would it?

Checkmate. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to see a man about how to make a convincing giraffe costume.