MODERATOR: Welcome to the Floating Gusman Auditorium, on the campus of the University of Miami in the beautiful state of the Florida Islands, where we will be talking about a number of important issues. First, we’d like to offer the candidate a few minutes to introduce themselves and tell the audience why the American Chauvinist super PAC should donate to their campaign, ideally through increasingly desperate arguments that rely on appeals to our most base instincts.
[45 minutes later]
MODERATOR: And now we turn to an issue that doesn’t have much relevance to our way of life, but we have to be ready for it when Democrats bring it up, and that’s what should be done about the world’s 250 million climate refugees. These are people who have been forced from their homes due to floods, fires, and droughts — which keep increasing for some reason — and have sought refuge abroad. Governor Trump, let’s start with you.
GOVERNOR TRUMP: The fact is, it’s not the government’s job to deal with the effects of government policy. We told industry to regulate itself, and you know what? They did a great job for their shareholders. I don’t understand what people are upset about. Your house burned down? Hire someone to build a new house. You don’t have enough money to do that? Well, I have some connections in the banking industry who can give you enough credit to buy a mansion. Go to my website, put in your social, and we’ll take it from there.
SENATOR TRUMP: It’s a good point, we do need to figure out a way to make money off this crisis. When I started Trump Corrections and Rehabilitation, we had a simple goal: cheaply build a range of godforsaken warehouses where we can store human beings to the tune of $200,000 per person per year. We brought in McKinsey, Bain, we brought in everybody. They all told us: “Weirdly enough, refugees being criminally prosecuted against international guidelines don’t need water to live.” That saved us a boatload.
REPRESENTATIVE PENCE: Let’s take a step back. There’s a climate emergency? Where? In my den as we speak, it is a perfect 74 degrees, I can tell you that right now. I love God.
SECRETARY PENCE: The people where I’m from aren’t talking about the climate. They’re talking about jobs. They’re talking about why they don’t have a job anymore because their company burned down. They’re talking about how impossible it is to get home insurance. Climate change doesn’t affect them. So let’s focus on the basic issues. And the thing about me is? I love God and Jesus. Both. I read the weirdest parts of the Bible every night.
MODERATOR: And the refugees? What should be done?
GOVERNOR TRUMP: This is how it is. The people of Australia are sad that their entire country is gone? I say look for a technological solution. Think about building a new Australia, off the coast, where the Great Barrier Reef used to be. I know some people in the banking industry who can extend a loan for this type of project. Want to help? Go to my website, enter your social, and if you get any notifications about someone creating a credit card for you without your permission, just ignore that.
MODERATOR: Africa and Asia have been hardest hit. The images are very disturbing.
SENATOR TRUMP: What was that? [Looks up.]
SENATOR TRUMP: Something hit my head. A drop of water? Is the roof leaking?
MODERATOR: There’s going to be quite a storm tonight.
SENATOR TRUMP: This goddamn weather. Half of my golf courses are underwater, I don’t get it.
MODERATOR: And the refugees?
SENATOR TRUMP: They should absolutely not be let into the United States. Never. Not a single one. We caused the crisis, so we shouldn’t have to deal with it. But if, you know, if any do make it here, and are looking to make some under-the-table cash, I run a series of construction and service businesses that are worth looking into. They’re on my website. We pay cash, no questions asked, to anyone who seems like they won’t create trouble for job creators like myself. I’m not a hero, I just extract value from people through ownership and control.
REPRESENTATIVE PENCE: When President Trump [sustained audience applause] got rid of term limits, it made us all think strategically. The question is not just who can get elected, but who can get elected four, five, six times? Who is the best person to undermine the system to ensure permanent dominance? I think that person is me. Whatever sex scandals come out about me next week never happened.
GOVERNOR TRUMP: Regarding sex scandals, same with me. Never happened. And certainly not with someone who looks like that.
MODERATOR: And the refugees?
SECRETARY PENCE: Jesus teaches that we need to open our hearts to all who are similar to us. It’s an important teaching, and it occurs near the middle. After all, who did Jesus spend time with? The economic and political elite, mostly. And so that’s what I try to do, and I’m doing it very well. Jesus also preaches that prayer should not be public and ostentatious. So I’d like to take the next few moments and pray publicly and ostentatiously for you all.
MODERATOR: The food shortages caused by the climate emergency have led to civil conflicts, displacing millions of other people. If you consider people who have been displaced within their own countries, it’s more like a billion people who have had to uproot their lives due to climate change. Thoughts?
GOVERNOR TRUMP: My main thought is, where did this moderator come from? He’s terrible. If anyone watching thinks they’d be better at allowing Republican candidates to make use of the braindead megaphone, go to my website, enter your social, and we’ll take it from there.
SENATOR TRUMP: Sorry, one second, I’m getting a call. Important leader. Great at groveling to me. I love him. I’ve punched him twice in the head. One moment — what was that? [Looks up again. More water is falling.]
REPRESENTATIVE PENCE: If I can just quickly say, when people say dangerous things that have alarming consequences for global peace and security, I stand there and nod pleasantly. This is the leadership we need. To quote Jesus, “I wash my hands of this.”
SECRETARY PENCE: As an empathetic person, I feel terrible for the true victims of this emergency: wealthy people who now have to think about others. It’s so… uncomfortable. They keep like… being there, saying things. Just go away already. Wealthy people in the US assume crises won’t affect them because they seldom have, and surely the climate emergency is the same, right? Right?
[The roof breaks open. Rain pours in. The crowd barely escapes. The next day, media outlets blame the flood on immigrants.]