Go to a Lizzo show with your skinny friends but pretend you’ve never heard her music and agree that you’re really concerned about her health.

Wear a T-shirt over your bathing suit so you don’t ruin any beach days by making them stare at your doughy rolls. In fact, you know what? Just wear pants. And a jacket. Maybe a scarf? Just cover it. All of it.

Try literally every diet in accordance with what your friends are trying. Like you’ve always said, “If you’re keto, I’m keto.”

Start any conversation with a mention of the diet you’re trying. Insert it into conversation immediately upon meeting new people, standing in line with people, or at job interviews, like this: “Hi, my name is Jen, and I’ve been on Weight Watchers since my mom took me at age 11 and now I’m on Atkins for the 47th time.” Relieve their stress by making it clear that you’re working on it so they don’t need to worry about it.

Keep a tiny notebook in your pocket so that when people start telling you about the diet or surgery their aunt had, you’re ready to learn. Take notes as they explain concepts like “calorie counting” and “low carb.” Ask them how to spell and define “moderation” just to be sure you’re getting it right.

Be the friend who is fun to eat with (in private obviously, because OMG who wants to look like a pig in public). When your skinny pals tell you they want to have an “eat day” be ready and willing to eat MORE than them so they feel good about themselves. When they tell you they LOVE to eat with you because you don’t make them feel bad, thank them for seeing your true value in this world: making them feel better.

Don’t eat anything but salad in front of others. Ever. If a restaurant doesn’t have salad, step outside quickly and make a quick spring mix of dead leaves, lettuce, and whatever else you can forage. Mix in in the bowl you always carry in your purse because you’re the fat friend. Bonus points for using your pocket ranch because you’re fat. You don’t get how calories work, and that ranch is actually, like, totally fattening even on a salad.

ABC: Always Be Complimenting. Be sure to tell your thin friends at least once a day how much you wish you had their hot bod. Really play it up for emphasis so that they know that you know how great they look, especially when compared with your sluggish meat sack.

Stand in the back of photographs so as not to block any of your thin, hotter friends. Better yet, use your brute strength and massive body to lift them up across you so everyone knows you’re having THE ACTUAL BEST TIME.

Keep crumpled up fast food wrappers in your back seat and feign embarrassment when they come out of your car like an avalanche. You may not even eat fast food, but it’s important that they think you do, so buy it frequently. Pelt them with the wrappers as a joke while they protest because they NEVER eat fast food, except when they’re tired, hungry, drunk, on a road trip, etc. and don’t know why you do at all.

Bake. Bake constantly. Bake so much you have to buy an extra-large freezer. Burn candles that smell like cookies so that if you’re not actually baking, it still smells like you are. When your friends ask if you’re trying to fatten them up, nod slowly and look them dead in the eye while licking frosting from a knife.

Laugh uproariously when your friends talk about feeling fat or call women smaller than you “pigs” because you know they’re not talking about YOU, silly! You’re their friend and they would NEVER say that about you (when you’re there, of course). Laugh so hard you start crying and then tell them they’re SOOOO FUNNY, and of course, you don’t think they’re shallow assholes. IT’S JUST FUN TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLEYOU GET IT.

When people tell you that you’re “too pretty to be fat,” thank them, genuinely. Choke back any urge you feel to say, “OMG, you’re too pretty to be such a raging fatphobic asshole” and just smile, the way you always do.

Know your role. Be the funny friend because that’s your job. Everyone knows fat people are funny. So tell jokes all the time. Death in the family? Tell jokes! Got fired? Make it funny! No one wants to see a fat person cry unless they’re crying about how fat they are. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Your insulting prejudices, cruel judgment, and mind-blowing fatphobia. Just kidding: "Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?