1. The plan for a Friday night always seems to involve lighting a couch on fire. Whether this is primordial and deep, or stupid and redneck, you are not sure. When the firemen come, you always think they will be mad, but they are not. They drink cans of PBR with you and just watch. It is possible that life is meaningless and your very consciousness is nothing but a conflagration which will result in a pile of sooty nothingness.

2. You spend all morning staring at your dog until it begins to seem really weird to you that human mouths don’t extend all the way to the hinges of our jaws. Our mouths are so small! They look sewn shut like we are grumpy dolls. Dogs must think we are so ugly. You are overwhelmed by how decent it is of your dog to love you despite your tiny mouth that you wonder if you should call in sick for work.

3. You have gotten pretty good with a blowgun and when you are bored, you blow darts at the beer cans in people’s hands so that foam explodes everywhere. This is generally when people know that you have had too much to drink and turned into Angry Misty and they put you to bed like you are a child and you hate them, you hate everyone who has ever lived.

4. Once, as part of an experiment regarding whether or not you had freewill, you made yourself fuck a disgusting older guy who had huge front teeth like Chiclets. His bed sheets were pinstripe. Afterward he said he wanted to be your boyfriend and you vomited on him and he still wanted to be your boyfriend. You left his house on foot, unsure how you would get home. But on the upside, you definitely do have free will.

5. The last time you called your mother she called you a selfish bitch and you cried and it was snowing and she hung up on you and then you took all the painkillers left from your wisdom teeth and watched the Smurf movie and wrote her a really, really mean email and laughed and laughed as you did it. But a few days later, when you opened the email to see what you said, you were shocked and frightened of yourself and you closed it without reading to the end and tried to forget you ever wrote anything like that to someone you love as much as your mother.

6. You are jealous of the fact that guys can pee standing up, and you think Nerf should invent some kind of vaginal firearm that would allow women to fire bloody tampons out of there. Imagine people’s surprise!

7. There is comfort in the fact that the mountains are so much bigger and more beautiful than you could ever hope to be. You are nothing. You are a speck. Your chaotic meaninglessness in no way mars the landscape. At least there is that. Beauty, even if it doesn’t include you, exists.