Art by Matt Smith

- - -

So now what yah got tah undahstand is that no one even knew where Sweden n’ Nahway n’ Finland n’ Russia ended back in the Viking days ‘cause back in those days those fuckin’ countries didn’t even prahpahly exist yet! Which actually sounds pretty good in Russia’s case right now, but at any rate all it was was just a bunch’ah kings n’ chieftains n’ shit all doin’ the eahrly stages’ah nation-buildin’ thing in the capital regions but way out there in the great nohrthuhn woods was the semi-nomadic reindee’ah people.

N’ what the reindee’ah people did was they hehrded shit tons’ah reindee’ah all ovah the frozen fuckin’ tundra ovah their land’ah Sápmi undah the big bright fuckin’ midnight sun. Which was pretty cool. They still do that type’ah thing nowadays too, actually, but the tradition’s been fuckin’ decimated n’ molested by yee’ahs upon yee’ahs’ah fuckin’ oppression since the Sámi ahr considuh’d tah be the indigenous people’ah Scandinavia n’ one’ah the definin’ elements’ah bein’ indigenous is gettin’ hahdco’ah fucked ovah. It’s just a standahd paht’ah the shit-show we like tah call human histahry.

Though I gottah say, no one actually really knows which group’ah people got tah Scandinavia fihrst—the fuckin’ Viking types ah the reindee’ah hehrdah types. Could’ah been eithah but no one really knows. But mo’ah impohrtantly: what’s it even fuckin’ mattah? The two groups might have got ’long fine, at least till they didn’t, n’ then eventually the Viking types implemented their own vehrsion’ah the Trail of Tears a hundred fuckin’ yee’ahs ago n’ so hee’ah we ahr now.

But anyway, gettin’ back tah the Sámi back in the Viking times. So they had their own fuckin’ cultch’ah r’n mythology n’ language n’ shit, yah know? N’ actually, that’s still the case. Like, the language, there’s actually a bunch’ah ’em n’ they’re all totally fuckin’ diff’rent from Swedish n’ even fuckin’ both vehrsions’ah Nahwegian! The Sámi languages ahr way mohr exotic n’ unique ’en that Elvish bullshit since most people have nevah r’even hearhd ’em since they’re not made up by Tolkien ah one’ah his bajilion’ah immitatahs so they’ve not been apprahpriated intah any huge Hollywood movies. They’re kindah sohrtah like Finnish but diff’rent and prahbahbly don’t have all the fun n’ creative wohrds for gettin’ drunk at home alone when you’ve only got yah fuckin’ undahwear on.

Alsah, instead’ah Odin n’ Thor n’ Freyja goin’ ’round creatin’ people n’ throwin’ fits n’ havin’ all sohrts’ah crazy promiscuous encountahs with vahrious sohrts’ah lifefohrms, the Sámi had Ráddiolmmái, Horagállis, n’ Máttaráhkká instead. Try sayin’ those names three times fast!

The Sámi alsah had the Sáivu-Realm, which is kindah like the Upside Down, but in Sápmi instead’ah Indiana n’ not evil. Instead’ah some sinistah govuhrnment agency, they had supah special drums that could open up the pohrtal fahr the shaman tah travel through tah the Sáivu-Realm, ah somethin’ ’long those lines anyway.

Anyway, these Sámi guys, they were wicked good ski-ahs. N’ they hunted moose n’ fuckin’ fished too. N’ they traded big time with the Viking type guys sometimes even fuhrthah south ’en Sápmi since their tehrritahry was a lot lahrgah back then ’en it is now. But then eventually the Viking guys fohrced ’em tah staht payin’ tribute. N’ we know this on accoun’ah the fact that this one guy, Ottar, told King Alfred from that tv show, The Last Kingdom, all ’bout one day.

But the Viking type guys, they were alsah kindah confused by the Sámi ’cause they didn’t undahstand ’em n’ alsah, the Sámi had all that strong n’ mystical Finn magic goin’ on which is kindah a misnomah but like I said already, that’s how it goes. Supposedly, Eric Bloodaxe’s wife was a witch who leahrned her magical skills from a couple’ah Sámi wizahrds when she was youngah r’n shackin’ up with ’em out in a hut in the middle’ah fuckin’ nowhere. N’ she n’ Eric tuhrned out tah be a match made in heaven ah Valhalla ah Sáivu-Realm ah wherevah fah r’eachothah. Eric might have tuhrned out tah be a total bloodthihrsty dickhead who muhrdah’d his own brothahs n’ shit but still, it’s the hahrmonious matrimonial thought between adopted Sámi witch n’ powah-trippin’ Nahwegian royal guy that counts, I think.