Dear Anna, Katie, Catherine, Patti, Sandy, Alyssa, Annie, Nadja, Joy, Betsy, Taylor, Layla, Devin, Chelsea, Rachel, Brittany, Kim, Robyn, Marcia, Eliza, Ashley, Melinda, Jo, Ana, Emily, Hollye, Justine, Karen, Chloe, Mackenzie, Nancy, Steph, Lisa, Danya, Abby, Bethany, Claire, Jessica, Bri, Jenna, Halcyon, Blythe, Lily, Amanda, Amber, Madelyn, and Tallie,
Hey ladies! Thank you so much for agreeing to be one of my bridesmaids. It is such an honor to share my special day with so many incredible women. Just wanted to shoot everybody a really quick, incredibly chill email about how this is all going to work. Don’t worry, this will be easy for you — both in the short-term and in the long run!
First of all, let me just say that this isn’t a normal wedding. This is a chill wedding. No hideous bridesmaids dresses for my girls! You guys will be wearing heather grey sweatsuits, either one size too big or one size too small. Under no circumstances will they be in a size that feels good on your body.
Pre-wedding meal for my GIRLS is gonna be Sloppy Joe’s. Yum! Don’t be afraid to get messy — beauty standards are so 2016. (If you stain my pristine white dress I will cut your throat with my glistening diamond ring). No napkins will be provided and you must complete your meal to my satisfaction.
Okay, now it’s time to discuss everyone’s favorite part: the fun party games! Obviously 47 bridesmaids is far too many. I’m not an idiot, despite what I overheard Nadja whispering about me six months ago at a cocktail party. However, I love you all and I simply cannot narrow down the playing field of lifelong friends. Instead, you will do a real-life Hunger Games the week before to determine the 20 lucky gals who will move on to the next round. For fun. You know, like the movies! We’ll then play a very low-stakes trivia game where the 20 winners will answer exciting, incredibly specific questions about my childhood to determine who gets to be one of 18 bridesmaids at my wedding. If you do not answer trivia questions to my satisfaction I reserve the right to punch you in the throat as hard as I can. It is MY day! If you would like to drop out now, just know that it’s too late. The Hunger Games have already begun.
I’m not going to be so rude as to pick a maid of honor. That would be crass! EVERYONE gets to make a speech about me at MY wedding! (NB: Please do not save writing the speech for the last minute. It is painfully obvious when people do this so do NOT be “THAT GUY!” Lol!!) There is no time limit, so feel free to take your time and really dig into these speeches.
If you regularly use medication I would prefer if you did not take it during my wedding weekend — for YOUR sake! I’m looking at you, Chelsea! I wanna make sure you can enjoy the champagne toasts and feel the full spectrum of your own emotions! PS, I am an amazing friend in so many ways but I will never go to the hospital with you, so please do not bother me with such disruptions.
On the night before my wedding, I am going to make passionate love to a man who is not my husband just to know what true betrayal really feels like. You will take this secret to your grave or I will throw you in one and bury you alive. You know how it is, ladies!
On that note, no one but me is allowed to have an orgasm on my wedding night. Much like a bat, I, too, have echolocation but for female orgasms and will know if you have broken my trust by achieving sexual pleasure on my very special day. Feel free to do so, but know that I will exact my revenge when the time is right.
I will be wearing my hair in an updo on my wedding day. Do not betray me by doing the same.
Finally, we will be making a viral video at my wedding reception. Please send me at least $10,000 to pay for the (aspiring) Broadway choreographer who will be teaching us a dance to the modern classic “Uptown Funk.” Betsy, I know you have back problems but I will need you to lift me since you obviously have the broadest shoulders of all of us. We will be renting out a 35-piece band (paid for by my father) who will be playing the song live. If you wreck the choreo I will go nuclear, so please come prepared. Learning this dance of course does not count as my gift, so please make time to buy an appropriate wedding gift for me and my hubby-to-be, Paul! I’m sorry, I mean Matt. Whatever. You know who I mean. The guy in the suit.
Ladies! This is going to be SO much fun. Other than these loose, gentle guidelines, please feel free to really bring your own personality to the table and make my wedding YOUR special day, too!
See you at my destination wedding on an airplane hovering above Australia in two years!