Write every day.

Most entry-level television jobs don’t pay livable wages so be prepared to lean on your trust fund.

To write for late-night shows, become friends with whoever is in charge of the “double-blind submissions” process.

Get to know the voice of the television show you want to write for. There’s a big difference between Jimmy Fallon’s white male cis voice and Jimmy Kimmel’s white male cis voice.

It’s all about who you know, so don’t hesitate to reach out to your private school or Ivy League networks.

Watch a lot of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Be nice to everyone you meet. You never know if the NYU intern, producer’s step-niece, or the abusive improv teacher accused of rape by eight different women but ultimately found “innocent” from an “internal investigation” will be running things in five years. (Spoiler alert: they all will.)

Stick to racial and gender storylines that center white people and make them feel comfy and warm inside. :)

Be prepared to “kill your darlings” as soon as a white male comedian pitches your ideas as his own.

DO NOT publicly critique comedians under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. No matter how offensive or how much their work might be contributing to hateful rhetoric used to justify violence against marginalized groups. The Comedy He-man Women Haters Club will come after you.

Learn how to “take a joke.”

Sometimes you might get mistaken for someone’s assistant or driver. If so, please see “Learn how to take a joke.” If you can’t take a joke, please see “The Comedy He-man Women Haters Club will come after you” section.

Ignore the enraging heteronormative white supremacist capitalist system designed to make it almost impossible for you to succeed with a glass of wine or something.

Scream into pillows. (Amazon always has great deals on pillow sets.)

“Diversity” is so hot right now. Dig up all your racial-related trauma and play up your intersecting marginalized identities (the more the better!) and submit to every festival and fellowship. In the applications, mention you love Larry David and learned English by watching Seinfeld.

Become rich and white, somehow?

Learn the rule of three.