You’re receiving this message because the I.T. Department is upgrading the software you most use and upon which your productivity entirely depends.

Although we refer to this as an upgrade, it is, at best, a lateral move. The software does the same things as before, except your favorite features have been moved to a place where you will never find them again. The features you never use, on the other hand, have been assigned keyboard shortcuts that are maddeningly easy to type. For example, “Hide All Menus” (Shift+E) or “Quit Without Saving” (Spacebar).

Here is a list of emboldened words, which may or may not apply to the upgrade:

  • Reliable. The software used to crash only sometimes. We’ve fixed that.
  • Secure. Mo’ passwords, mo’ fun.
  • Cloud. Cloud cloud cloud cloud cloud.

To ensure a smooth transition, we’re deploying the upgrade to different users in different phases. You’re in the first phase, because we don’t think you’re important enough to do anything about it. We also hate you.

For more information about the upgrade, including if or when you can expect to work again, please refer to the developer’s website. There, you can see pictures of diverse people using the software.

Or, if you prefer, please call the I.T. Hotline. We will provide nominal assistance while implying you should have googled the answer yourself. Speaking of Google, did you know we have access to your search history? Just saying.

And, Marvin in Accounting, that’s some pretty freaky shit.

I.T. Department