Dear Hilary Duff,
Today I was driving home from a bender with my buddy Carnegie when one of your songs came on the satellite radio. It was your song but it had been remixed by a fellow named Viss, or Vizz, or Vuff. Did you know that Vuff did that with your song? Do you know Vuff? Who is Vuff?
This does not matter.
This is what matters: The song was a transcendental wormhole. As we ripped eastward across the Kansas prairie I began to have the sensation that I was the song, that the beats were not only being registered in my ears, but were haloing my blood cells and lighting my cardiovascular system with sonic phosphorescence. I may have still been somewhat intoxicated, though I have heard numerous times that altered physiological states can induce para-psychological or spiritual experiences.
What kind of bathtub do you have? I bet it’s a big one.
Sometimes it gets hot here. In the winter it gets so cold you want to put your feet in your mouth to keep them warm because that is probably the only warm place. Have you ever put your feet in your mouth? Babies can do it easily but adults find it much more difficult. Do you think we lose any other abilities as we age? Perhaps our ability to feel?
I liked your song very much. It must be nice to create something that helps people transcend the normalcy of physical existence, the visceral realness of reality. Sometimes I try to do this, but I have never been divorced so the New Yorker rejects my stories.
I hope that when you see a photograph of yourself on Google images or on the television or in magazines or on your iPhone that you don’t confuse these images with who you are as a person. The thing is, once a song is created by a person such as yourself that causes a person such as myself to have a transcendental experience, then the song is as much a representation of your personal existence as those photographs are, perhaps more so. It must be difficult to deal with all those photographs all of the time. I don’t let anybody take pictures of me because I have a hairy nose.
When I am famous I am going to get a bathtub big enough to lie down in, not like now when I have to put the hose on myself.
I hope you know that you are a good person and that a light exists within yourself and outside yourself at the same time. This exists within and around all of us, connecting us.