Dear Boss Who Was Recently Fired,
I want to begin by offering my condolences. I know that your recent firing was an unexpected blow. To you. Because the rest of us in the office saw it coming. From a frickin’ mile away.
Regardless, the job market is currently quite difficult, especially if you’ve just been fired. In the interest of burying the tension between us that you were totally unaware of, I would like to offer a few suggestions that will help you procure, and keep, new employment.
1) I would pick a single hair color and stick with it. Though your current combination of black, brown, and blond is a bold choice, I don’t think it projects the right image to potential employers. Rather than an image of constant professionalism, it tends to project that you can’t commit. And that you have astoundingly bad taste. The bright-red flip you had when I first started was nice. Why don’t you go back to that?
2) I would advise cutting back on the number of cigarette breaks you take during a given day. While I’m sure your commute is quite stressful, a 20-minute cigarette break first thing in the morning indicates that either your heart isn’t in your job or that you’re still trying to come down off of whatever pills you took the night before.
3) I would rethink your outfits. Skintight blue jeans that are faded suggestively around the butt area are quite hip these days, but they aren’t necessarily acceptable for the work environment. Particularly if you’re over 40. Maybe a nice dark-blue pantsuit instead. Also, though high heels are technically business attire, I would limit myself to a 4-inch heel. Anything higher made you teeter a bit when you walked, and lower heels will definitely keep you from falling down as often.
4) I would also curtail your Post-It usage. Those sticky yellow squares certainly are a godsend, but overuse can render them ineffective. For instance, when you affixed a Post-It to each and every letter you ever handed me, I don’t believe they had the intended effect. Rather than gently reminding me to, as you so eloquently put it each and every time, “mail the letter,” those Post-Its instead inspired me to lose several important documents intended for your creditors, as well as to publish examples of your syntax on the Internet.
5) No one has that many doctors appointments. No one. People with life-threatening illnesses don’t go to the doctor as much as you did. Try to come up with other, more-creative excuses for leaving work early. For example: “My mother is sick and has to go to the doctor,” or “My friend needs to be picked up from the doctor,” or “My doctor needs to go to a doctor.”
6) Your nails were always done with great dedication and precision, but I would consider going with softer, more-muted colors. Electric pink with purple stripes is an eye-catcher, but it can distract people from your message. Unless, of course, your message is “Let’s go to the mall.” Also, I would consider trimming the nails. I understand that it took you quite a while to grow them out, but at some point during an interview, you may be asked to pick a piece of paper off of a desk.
7) When you want your assistant to do something, be sure to tell him/her. Out loud. While simply thinking about what you would like them to do will help to solidify it in your own mind, it will leave your assistant very confused. Especially when you yell at them about the undone task. You must remember to give your instructions out loud. In the presence of your assistant. Saying them aloud to yourself doesn’t count. Plus, imagine how much satisfying it will be to yell at someone who actually has made a genuine mistake. Won’t that be fun?
In closing, I’m sure that you will procure new employment very quickly. Just remember to keep your confidence up, keep sending out those resumés, and quit being such a dumb bitch.
Serena Lu Chang