Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing to apologize for causing damage to your property on “Tuesday,” when the newspapers I was attempting to deliver accidentally broke two of your windows, overturned your garbage cans, and, most despicably, unearthed a gravestone in your front lawn. The extremely hazardous and fast-paced sidewalk of the street you live on made my adrenaline jolt, and I had no choice but to pedal away, narrowly avoiding a tornado, the Grim Reaper, and that break dancer who hangs around your house. I’m not sure if he’s identified himself as a witness to the vandalism yet, but regardless, I am sorry. I suppose I simply do not know the strength of my forearm. Please feel free to write back if you require monetary reimbursement or any other assistance of mine. Also, if you see me pedal by during my route tomorrow morning, resist the urge to run out of your front door brandishing a butcher knife. It would really help out my stress level. Perhaps sometime in the future I will manage to deliver the paper to every subscriber on the block, and you might consider resubscribing to our outstanding newspaper. Once again, I deeply apologize.

Leon Ferri