Are the lights flickering?
A. Yes, that is a special effect to create a fun spooky atmosphere.
B. Yes, the power grid is failing, and we aren’t going to fix it.
Are old, nearly transparent white beings threatening you and your family?
A. Yes, they are saying “wooooooooo.”
B. Yes, they are passing legislation allowing people to collect a cash bounty for reporting your medical procedures and disallowing your children to play sports on teams consistent with their gender identity.
Do you hear faint screams and moans that are slowly becoming louder?
A. Yes, those are the mimicked sounds of disembodied spirits.
B. Yes, those are the actual sounds of disenfranchised voters.
Did the second most powerful person there threaten to sacrifice your grandparents?
A. No, that would be too dark.
B. Yes, “there are more important things than living,” according to Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick.
Is a deadly virus raging out of control?
A. No, that is just a zombie scenario we designed to scare you.
B. No, that is just a hoax scenario liberals designed to scare you.
Are people around you wielding deadly weapons without any training or permits?
A. No, of course not; we only use toy guns.
B. Yes, for some reason we think this makes you safer.
Does it promote a fictional alternate reality?
A. Yes, ghosts aren’t real.
B. Yes, structural racism and thus critical race theory aren’t real.
Is a tall, lanky skater dude working there?
A. Yes, he’s the owner’s nephew.
B. Yes, he’s Beto O’Rourke, and although he doesn’t currently hold elected office in the state, he is working to get people across the state registered to vote.
Will you be denied entry if you are fleeing an unsafe situation?
A. No, we welcome as many people as possible to participate in this fun, safe family experience.
B. Yes, you will be immediately sent back to the unsafe situation and/or separated from your children.
Do you have a sliding scale for payment?
A. Yes, people with lower incomes can pay less than people with higher incomes to make the admission cost proportionately equal for all.
B. Yes, people with lower incomes must pay more proportionately due to a regressive tax system.
Is Ted Cruz there?
A. Yes, he lives here.
B. No, he’s in Cancun.
All A’s : You are in a haunted house, a fun Halloween entertainment experience that titillatingly simulates what it’s like to experience threats to your physical and psychological well-being for thirty to forty-five minutes.
All B’s : You are in the state of Texas, a disturbingly real nightmare hellscape that horrifyingly forces you to experience threats to your physical and psychological well-being for an indeterminate amount of time.
All A’s and All B’s : You are in a haunted house in Texas—only some of the terror will end soon.
Mix of A’s and B’s : You are probably in a haunted house in Georgia or Alabama—states with laws and policies almost as scary as those in Texas.