A quarterly column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it
Q: About a year ago, my friend asked me to start sharing my real-time location with her. At first, the layer of forced transparency made me anxious. What if I want to reschedule our plans, but I’m just sitting at home? What if I’m running late because I can’t figure out what to wear, and not because I’m stuck in traffic? But here I am a year later, getting ready to meet up with Location-Sharing Friend, and I’m the one who’s abusing my power. I just checked her location to see how far away she is—a habit I’ve formed, and something I do even when we have no plans. She’s five minutes away. What’s your opinion on location sharing? Is it a sign of intimacy, or just downright invasive?
Ella M.
Location not found
A:I don’t mean to sound alarmist or paranoid, but I’m definitely going to. Location sharing is largely a scam and should be used sparingly. Such as in emergencies, or when you’re headed into potential and—this is the crucial part—actual danger. Because otherwise, all you’re doing is surrendering to surveillance capitalism, forfeiting autonomy, and weakening resilience. Ironically, many of us will fight for bodily and political autonomy, support safe spaces, respect privacy, and abhor trespass and violation, but are boundaryless when it comes to technology (even when it’s the nefarious, untrustworthy sort), willingly making ourselves susceptible to manipulation and behavior modification at the hands of our devices. And while it might be too late to reverse this ontological shift, or the merging of the virtual and the actual, we must resist where we can. The more we allow our likes and habits, our bodies and minds, to be available and porous to tech, the more we cede not just control but awareness, a sense that it knows more about us than we know about ourselves. Tech isn’t augmenting us, but the other way around.
And if that doesn’t scare you, let me appeal on a more personal level. Location sharing with your friends forms nothing more than an illusory connection. It’s the opposite of closeness, tethering people to their devices, not to one another. It’s an example of tech gamifying personal dynamics: My friend is a dot on a map that I can follow. I invent narratives based on their whereabouts, and judge accordingly. Higher value is placed on being in a certain place at a certain time. Being in the wrong place is a value deduction. No wonder you are anxious! This relationship is now quantifiable and transactional, but moreover, it’s exhausting! It’s starting to make sense why everyone is in avoidance mode and canceling plans these days.
My advice for you is to stop sharing your location and start sharing the things that help maintain and nurture a friendship: your time; your capacity for listening; your compassion, patience, and understanding.
As a sidenote: If I go missing, it’s probably because this answer makes me a target of the Tech Overlords. Too bad there’s no way to ensure that help could find me…
Q: I met a friend online, and at first we really hit it off. But lately she’s been crossing some boundaries. She’s started reaching out to all my friends, trying to get close to them, and organizing events that always involve me—sometimes without even asking if I’m free. It’s becoming overwhelming, and her voracious social appetite is a serious energy drain.
I’ve never had to confront a friend about something like this before, but I need some breathing room. How do I set boundaries without hurting her feelings or making things awkward?
Selena E.
Seattle, WA
A: Setting boundaries is a difficult task, but I agree you need to set some guidelines with this friend. As opposed to, say, doing the easier thing, which is to break up with not just her but your entire friend group, so that you never have to see her again or confront the problem. Or maybe move cities entirely. While I’m sure you’ve thought about doing both, I’m confident you can ask for breathing room without jeopardizing your friendship.
Here’s what to do: Be kind but firm, use clear and concise language, and above all else, don’t apologize for asking for what you need. Start with what you like and appreciate about her as a friend. Then tell her your needs, plain and simple, without hedging or qualifying. Explain what a balanced friendship feels like to you, and ask what she looks for in a friend. Perhaps through the process of clarification and transparency, she’ll understand why you’ve been uncomfortable, and you’ll gain a better understanding of her actions. She might be operating out of insecurity and not maliciousness, but she needs to see how it looks from your end. Additionally—and maybe this is the hard part—accept that her feelings might get hurt. (I suspect it’s thinking we’re responsible for everyone else’s feelings that makes boundary setting difficult in the first place.) So allow for her feelings, and don’t try to mollify them in the moment. Her anger, confusion, discomfort, whatever it may be, is temporary.
Even if she doesn’t do so immediately, I think she’ll appreciate the honesty. If she isn’t able to accept your needs, I hear Boise, Idaho, is nice.