Dear Cable and Satellite Subscribers:

Next Friday will be the last day you will see either of the two shows people ever watch on this network, as our attempts to reach a new agreement with your provider have failed.

We called to try to get the thing fixed, but they said they didn’t have any appointments that were convenient for our work schedule for at least two weeks. We asked about Saturdays, and after some hemming and hawing they said, yes, they could do Saturday.

Saturday came and no one showed. We called and were told by a manager that they don’t do Saturdays. They said to bring our issues down to their office during normal business hours if we wanted to resolve this quickly.

We were like, “Wait, we were told ‘Saturday’.” They said they didn’t know who we talked to but they don’t do Saturdays.

Three service reps, a manager and an hour of hold time later, we got a different response, “Sure, we do Saturdays. How’s two weeks from Saturday sound?”

That’s when we hit the ceiling.

“Hey, how about now?! How about coming over at a day and time when it’s convenient for us for a change?”

They said they understood our frustration but there was nothing they could do about it. We were like, “You do realize there are, like, two very important season finales on this network that your customers are going to miss?”

You know what they said?

“Talk to us when you have three.”

Can you believe the lip on some people? Still, it’s going better than the talks with our mobile provider.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause fans of our countless hours of original programming and more countless hours of old movies and infomercials. However, there are too many outstanding issues that must be settled before we decide how, exactly, to kick the can down the road and do this to you all over again next year.

We promise to do our best to resolve negotiations over what is, essentially, a battle over whether your provider forks over a few extra cents per customer. Honestly, we thought DVD sales were a “forever” thing.

Take care and stay tuned for the latest developments. Oh, and please: Call your provider and tell them what a giant douche they’re being.

The Network