I, the undersigned, do release, forever discharge, and covenant not to sue Camp Honestee, its officers, its staff, or the six friends of Counselor Brianna who will be sunning themselves by the lake, sucking down Icees paid for by my child’s tuition. I do so regardless of any harm or expense that may be sustained by my child while Counselor Brianna is texting her boyfriend and/or showing her friends her new armpit tattoo.
My child’s T-shirt size is __________. I understand that the T-shirt he/she receives from Camp Honestee will in no way correspond to this size and will give him/her a terrifying rash.
I hereby acknowledge all camp dangers, hazards, and risks, which include but are not limited to: heat exhaustion; brain freeze; subatomic wedgies; pinkeye/pinkeverything; indelible nicknames; super-lice; religious conversions; copperhead bites; MRSA-related amputations; Truth or Dare games that end in felonies; death; and a lifelong aversion to pinto beans.
Despite the wireless service mentioned in Camp Honestee’s brochure, my child will not be e-mailing or texting me from Camp Honestee. This would be impossible, of course, after his/her electronic devices are confiscated by Camp Director Bob to support “outdoor enjoyment” and Bob’s resale shop on eBay.
I shall receive no compensation for any of the above, or for ridding my home of the bed bugs, field mice, and black-widow eggs my child will bring home from Camp Honestee.
I give Camp Honestee permission to publish every bit of my family’s contact information, including unlisted phone numbers and addresses provided by the Witness Protection Program, in a directory that will be left in an unsupervised stack within reach of every wacko who passes through Camp Honestee’s grounds.
Camp Honestee may use my child’s name, voice, image, writings, or artwork in any way it sees fit. This includes but is not limited to: fake endorsements of Camp Honestee; non-functional magnets and lead-containing mugs that Camp Honestee will guilt me into buying; and footage that Director Bob may or may not include in a “tasteful, Louis-Malle-style” film about orphans held captive by a Vichy general. In addition, I agree that samples of my child’s urine may be stored until such time as Director Bob needs them for a triathlon/probation hearing.
My child has life-threatening allergies to ________________. He/she will preemptively stab himself/herself with an Epipen each morning to counteract Camp Honestee’s lax policies regarding nuts, soy, shellfish, arsenic, and discounted tubs of Mystery Snax ordered directly from a horse-rendering plant in Sheffield, England.
My child’s family physician is _________________. The physician’s phone number is ______________. In the event of an emergency, Camp Honestee’s office manager, Sierra, will not be able to find this number or my number. But Counselor Brianna, who once took a babysitting class, will inspect my child’s gushing wound/shattered femur, put a Disney Princess Band-Aid on it, and offer him/her a Red Bull. If calling 911 becomes necessary, Sierra and Brianna will do so in plenty of time, unless they are watching a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon on my child’s confiscated iPad.
Please sign and date here. Have an awesome and relaxing summer! _________________________________.