Review Posted by DEADMOM925
Ranked #1 of Nothing to Do All Summer
31,456,245 Reviews
Category: Outdoor Activities
5 out of 5 Stars

I finally got to see my son, Eli, at Family Day on Fortnite Island. He’s spending the summer there. It cost me $2000 V-bucks, or virtual dollars. Yes, they come off my real credit card eventually, but it’s a deal compared to sleep-away camp.

I dropped down to the island from a glider that Eli had selected. It was a giant Teddy Bear holding a heart. The glider looked good with my skin, which had a pair of stunted angel wings attached. I was also carrying a rainbow unicorn pickaxe. Eli said it would intimidate other players.

“Noobs get killed first,” he said.

We didn’t want that to happen. (A boy loves his mother.)

I accidentally landed in Tomato Town while Eli was headed for Tilted Towers. The first thing I noticed when I hit the ground was the size of my ass, which is mid-sized IRL — for a mom. But on Fortnite Island, my butt was magically, gigantically huge. And my thighs? Strong, hulking, in charge. According to my son and his friends, this is a good thing. “Junk in the trunk.”

I have my own outdated feelings about it.

“Get moving,” said Eli once he found me. “The storm is coming. Run!” It’s possible to survive by hiding, by staying out of the fray and avoiding trouble. Just find an obscure place, like the prison, and sit tight while everyone else murders each other. This is not what Eli wanted. We were a duo, and he had other plans. The assumption was that players would be fighting alongside visiting parents or siblings, so the competition would be weak. Eli wanted kills, and possibly a Victory Royale. I was to chase him around and stay alive.

We ran to an abandoned farmhouse with broken windows. Eli told me to check all the rooms, but I couldn’t get up the staircase. He wanted me to help him raid the place and pick up weapons. But I was having trouble with my controller. I turned in circles on the first floor, panning up, panning down, crashing into walls. I managed to get back outside and someone started shooting at me from a tower.

“It’s a sniper!” Eli started to build log-cabin walls around me out of wood he had collected. When he ran, he bounced up and down, which I found graceful and impressive. Run and bounce, not easy. #proudmom

I didn’t have time to meet my son’s counselors or tour his bunk. I don’t think he has a bunk. There’s no time to rest or sleep on Fortnite Island. Your job is to hunt and shoot, kill or be killed. And Eli did try to protect me. He knows I don’t like machine guns, rifles, and grenades. He says he doesn’t like them either, but he does what he has to. #peerpressure

When I died, I died fast. Two shooters came parachuting in from the southeast. They had rabbit ears and egg-shaped backpacks, and they moved fast, barreled down on me and bombed my fort. They didn’t know I was someone’s mother. Eli tried to stop them, shooting from behind a tree. But I wasn’t worth much at that point, with no loot, no shield, no health, no hope. Family Day was over.

The rabbit people shot me too many times. Why did they keep pumping bullets into my skin, long after I was down? This felt unnecessary and unsportsmanlike, even rude. Eli said they were just making sure I was dead. Sometimes you shoot people and you just make them weak; a partner can come along and revive them.

Since then, I haven’t spoken to Eli much, even when his IRL body is sitting on the couch in the TV room. I wake the body and I help it go to sleep. I serve it hot dogs and chicken fingers. I hear his voice throughout the house because he does yell a lot, ordering his friends around — “Loot the shed! I see someone on the roof! Run, Brah!” #naturalleader